Last couple of weeks have been very trying (not whining, just stating a fact) – oneitis, job issues, general confidence etc. It all started with the girl (lets call her M) coming back into the picture. However, I’ve come to the realisation that M was not the only reason for my mind being in tussles. I mean – I’ve been lifting for a good six months, I’ve been eating straight, I’ve lost 8 Kgs ( i wasn’t that fat to begin with), I’ve quit smoking for the last 7 months etc. What I’m basically getting at is that I have done tremendous amounts to work and improve on myself. P.S - If there’s anything else i can do please recommend in the comments as it might be useful to someone else as well (I think I’m become a improvement junkie).

Getting to the point. I’ve done stuff to improve myself and I feel like I always hit a plateau. Not literally a plateau, but I feel like I go on these confidence boost cycles – where I’m super confident and happy for a couple of weeks or so and then I’m back to my self-conscious, anxious self. The present down cycle though kicked off due to issues with M, I can’t really blame her for it. What if she is just an indicator of what is wrong with me? What if there is a bigger reason I am in this constant up and down cycle where one day I feel like a KING and the next I’m not man enough to say hello to a kid on the road?

After some introspection, I realised that the major thoughts which bring me down are the following:

• The way I speak and my voice (I’m super conscious about it but I’m working on it) • The feeling that other people are better than me • The feeling that there is something ‘fundamentally wrong’ with me • The feeling that when I meet new people (especially the ‘cool’ and ‘rich’ ones) they don’t like me or they feel that I am beneath them • Can never get myself to approach females who I perceive are higher in value than me (for the reasons stated above) etc.

(Please read the above keeping in mind that I’m a good looking guy (in my country definitely an 8) – to emphasise that I shouldn’t really be having these hang ups. Just to give everyone a better understanding of the situation)

All these above ‘feelings’ or ‘thoughts’ can possibly be summed up as being a variant of the 3rd thought above – my perception of there being something fundamentally wrong with me. For example – I’ve asked people about my voice and everyone tells me that I’m stupid and that I have a nice and deep voice – however I am always there to rebut that statement. So in essence, there might not really be anything wrong with my voice, except my perception of it.

So to boil it down, to counter this feeling of fundamental defectiveness in my own persona, i am going to undertake a challenge. Im going to dedicate two months just to accept myself. I mean, if what is wrong with me is merely a perception, to win this fight i will need to accept myself for what i am. The reason I posted this here is because a) i had to let my thoughts out, b) wanted some sort of accountability and c) i feel that this ‘journey’ might benefit people having confidence issues as i promise to post a report here on asktrp after i am done – i.e 14th January, 2016. I could also use suggestions as to how exactly one can accept themselves. What to do, actions to take, not to take etc.