Doing lots of self improvement. 19 years old.

Already lifted, buff, 5'10. But stuck around 15% body fat.Stuck by my own resolution, not any of that cant lose weight and thyroid crap(which im getting checked anyways)

Stopped taking xanax, gonna quit smoking, which I never did 3 months ago, but took it up to act like my father because he was absent most of my life and now im living again with him. I tried to copy him..Now im realizing its not the right decision and smoking to be like someone else is but a hinge short of stupidity.

Now I go to the gym regularly, I bought a kindle recently and have been reading religiously, studying, and now trying to self learn calculus. Also might try to learn some coding or a new language(german or chinese), which would make it four, and maybe take up some djing or producing.

One of my issues is the one I mention alot which gives transition to my other problem is this:

Basically Its been so long since I have gotten laid, that I don't believe anymore that I can get laid..if that makes sense. For example. Went to a club and while im friendly and dress good, I just dance the whole time looking up, avoiding looking at girls and when I talk I go 100% nuclear. No amused mystery, no playful, just straight up asshole as a way to find comfort in my rejection.

When that happens I get home and get a rush of depression, which compels me or in a way takes control of my body and mind to stop all self improvement. Usually it lasts for 1-3 days. Ill eat over 6000 calories every day for that short period, Ill lay in bed, wont shower, wont leave the house, no gym, no reading, no nothing. It isnt until I examine myself that I regret all of that and start again the correct path, but as you guys all know 3 days of retarded eating can destroy a week or even 2 weeks progress. This lands me in a cycle of self-destruction.

Im trying to find a way to deal with this. Right now Im fasting on coffee because my body feels like crap after eating what must have been a feast for a family. Its bad to the point I think I have destroyed my insulin receptors or I have diabetes. Im not fat at all but its because of how hard I train and eat when I dont do this, that if I had a normal life(sedentary), I would be obese.

Contrarily to popular opinion I think Ill probably fuck an escort. Not because of sex itself but to regain belief that it is possibly for me to have sex by actually having sex..if that makes sense again. Im in Europe, though not in a country where its legal but hot women are pretty cheap regardless..think 110 dollars for 30 minutes of some HB9, compared to 600 an hour in the states.

Any other tips? I complain and post alot but im working on myself, just need to find a solution to this madness. It can happen once a week, once every two weeks or even once a month. I tell myself I wont let it happen again every time but to my avail, every time it happens again.

It also only happens when im alone because if im with someone I feel embarrassment and shame in doing this, so alone its a short term pat in the back, until the regret creeps in