I rediscovered TRP a couple days ago, and for some reason it just stuck with me this time. I've been obsessively reading up on material and theory in the sidebar, and feel as though I've gone through a complete paradigm shift - not just in terms of relationships, but life in general. Insofar as relationships go, it made me realize that, unsurprisingly, I've approached just about every situation consistently incorrectly.

Before I ask my question, let me give you an idea of where I'm at right now. I'm a tall guy, about 6'2, with (I believe) the potential to be physically attractive. I say potential because I'm probably about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, but women seem to notice me to some extent (ie. I have fucked a few fairly attractive women and I do not settle). In any case, I have been working on this over the past couple months by eating better and running long distance. I'll be incorporating lifting within the next couple weeks. Socially I see myself as a complete retard, though people comment that I have an engaging personality when I try. I have traditionally avoided social situations and conflict like a plague. I'm going to school right now, but I've been completely unmotivated for three years and, until recently, been fine with that.

This LTR started my first year of college. I was a social loser in high school, went to few parties, didn't get laid once. She partied. A lot. I'm not sure how it happened or what she saw in me, but she developed a very forward interest in me from the first time we met, and things developed from there. In other words, she led. We moved in together very quickly - too quickly, maybe. I was infatuated with her and, as far as I could tell, she was with me. We both hated doing anything that would separate us for any amount of time. For her, this meant becoming someone who spent free time drinking beer and playing video games, as this was basically all I did. Our social lives stagnated, but we were content with each other.

About a year in, she dropped the bomb: "I love you, but I don't feel attracted to you." I was devastated. I told her I would fix it. But I didn't know what to do - I didn't know what this meant (though I do now). I spent some time trying to improve myself, but the issue was never brought up again so things quickly reverted back. In retrospect, I have no idea why she continued to stay with me. I'm lazy, usually broke, have few friends, and I don't even drive. What was it that gave me value to her? Did I give her some kind of emotional validation? I still don't know.

Anyway, as you might expect, the frequency of sex plummeted. There was always an excuse, and we had sex on her terms. I lashed out passive aggressively. I started cheating. I even amazed myself one night as I, through complete frustration with my situation, fucked one of my female acquaintances within an hour of meeting up with her. Every time I would be overcome with extreme guilt because I loved this girl. I still very much do, albeit from a different standpoint.

So this is where I come to my most pressing problem right now: I have this wealth of resources here to help me fix my situation, but she's out of the country until the beginning of next year. In other words, I feel I have no outlet for this new set of values TRP has given me and it's starting to consume me. Is there anything I can do to start the process of fixing this relationship while we're long-distance?

As an aside, I've already given thought to the possibility that she already has or will cheat on me while abroad. I established this as the one thing I would not stand for very early on in the relationship, but that doesn't mean much when you factor in the distance between us. I've already accepted this relationship as something that can be ended at any time, and I realize I'm a huge fucking hypocrite for having cheated and not expecting the same thing from her.

Sorry for the tl;dr, guys. I'm just really in my own head now and would really appreciate some opinions from you guys, even if you just reply to call me a retard or something.