You may think this is a another depression post but hear me out.

I have been suffering with self confidence and and approving myself. I grew up a in a religious Sikh family in a midwestern racist town. I was forced to keep a turban and not cut my beard until I decided to do so at the age of 18.

Everyday I suffered racism and being bullied. You wouldn’t even understand the extent of it. On top of that my father was an abusive asshole that beat me for the most stupidest shit. For example, eating a bag of chips when I was 11, stabbing me with a pencil in 6th grade because I didn’t know how to solve a math problem. Pulling a knife on me in 8th grade for standing up for myself when someone tried to knock my turban of. I got in a fight and got suspended. There are many more incidents of abuse but it’s mostly his fault for making me look like a terrororist and threatening me as well as putting fear in me if I ever tried to cut it off. One time I remember there was a substitute teacher and the whole class in 8th grade was discussing if I was a terrorist or not. I just layed my head down on the table and cried

I never felt so powerless in my life, I tried to talk to my sister about it but she’s basically says no one cares get over yourself and there is some truth to that. I am moving out of my family’s house next month, so there’s a step. I got my bachelors degree, my problem is everytime I go to the gym and look at myself I always lose motivation. It happens some days, these thoughts of the past keep coming back to me. Imagine being ugly for 18 years having no control of your appearance and then everything changes when you cut your hair and shave your beard. How do I escape these thoughts? I have been heavily addicted to marijuana from all the trauma and suffering.