Help me save my LTR. Long post ahead.

The_BitterTruth · 2016-12-15T12:34:27+00:00

Bro I've read through your entire post, which was extremely fucking long, and I can give you my opinion. Keep in mind that I, or anyone else who offers their opinion, is just another dude. Take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

First you need to ask yourself if this girl will make a good mother. Sounds like she's weak and cries about pretty much everything, has no tolerance to stress, and just overall unstable. Right now your life sounds pretty easy. Yea your dad having cancer is shitty, but she's not the one who's dying. What is she going to do during childbirth or the even greater burden of raising children. What is she going to do when shit really gets hard?

Second, you need to consider that her family is against you and that's a big deal. I dated interracially for a while and her parents hated the Shit out of me. This always got in between our relationship, and they always encouraged her to break up with me. If you marry this girl you are also marrying her family. You need to put serious consideration into that. Right when she is at her weakest her parents are going to be whispering into her ear to break up with you, instead of telling her to be loyal. Think about it.

Third, I don't know what the fuck you see in this girl, but you are being needy as fuck, and showing and extreme scarcity mentality. You've convinced yourself that this is the only girl for you and it's coming out in your behavior. Your only power as a man is being able to walk away, and you're not strong enough to do it. You're dependent on this girl for who ever knows why, and she can smell it.

Fourth, sounds like you suck at passing shit tests, you're loosing frame, and her bullshit is getting to you. She's testing your frame with all of her bullshit and it sounds like you're breaking, arguing, defending yourself, and showing weakness. She can smell this too and is loosing attraction for you.

Fifth. This girl is loosing attraction for you. She stopped during the middle of sex? Are you serious? Bro that is some fucking major red flags that this girl is not interested in you romantically. Along with having a dead bedroom. Why the fuck is this girl staying with you? And for how long?

Six, it sounds like your relationship is already over. If you can't see it in your post, there's nothing I can say to convince you otherwise.

Seven, if you really do want to improve this relationship you need to improve yourself enough to run dread on her, and show her you're not afraid to let her go if she doesn't get her shit together (she can't). Basically you're asking her to become a different person than she already is, and I hope you can understand how unrealistic that is.

redisthecoldestcolor · 2016-12-15T13:48:00+00:00

I've seen quite a lot comments here that are along the lines of just leaving.

According to Rollo Tomassi, women love opportunistically, and men love for the sake of love. I think TRP tries to combat this by programming men to love opportunistically instead. I rather appreciate that you're still trying for her, especially because most of the problems seem to be with the situation, not the person.

How can I bring more of my alpha side into the relationship?

In particular, you want to get in touch with the "sensitive Alpha". Not sensitive as in - overly sensitive to your own feelings and gets easily upset. But sensitive to her emotional stress and supportive where she is weak. You are the steady rock, with a soft fluffy top to lay on. Here are some of my ideas in how you can execute:

Frame the situation: Everything is going to be OK. You are her man and you support and protect her. The two of you can get through everything together.
Confront her parents, especially her father. This is mandatory. It's going to be impossible for her to completely see you as a man if she's keeping you secret from her parents. And it's going to be uncomfortable, but if you can stand up for yourself as the right man for her, everyone will respect you for it.
Help her improve nutrition. Make her food, buy her multivitamins and keep up on her to take them, whatever it takes.
Lots of non-sexual affection, especially spontaneous strong, deep, long hugs. Being squeezed offers significant, instant anxiety relief.

quicklogaccount · 2016-12-15T16:43:31+00:00

You've made a post, a quite long post, about: DRAMA.
Your WHOLE POST is a quite long and prolix justification for "my girlfriend's hardships make her act like a poor girlfriend, but she is amazing and I want us to work out".

I'm going to bring up some stuff you seem to be miserably failing to see.
The first one is, she is an emotional abuser as well. She successfully managed to get you to worry about making HER feel right and caring about HER welfare and how SHE will feel above how YOU feel, YOUR welfare and YOUR fulfillment.
I have no idea how she did it. Probably by showing EXTREME helplessness and submissiveness to appeal to your sympathy.
A moment of thought. To be able to dwell in helplessness she NEEDS to be able to claim lack of agency. That's the reason behind her not taking action against bullies at work. She acts against you because she feels she OWNS you, you CAN'T DISAPPOINT HER. If you do, she'll punish you, with best weaponry. I'm unsure whether she's passive aggressive or if she does it by threatening to leave.

You want to make this work? First thing you have to do is changing that. You care for you before you care for her. The way things are, she IS leading, and women are remarkably poor leaders for relationships. Since men aren't feminine and appeal for sympathy, women don't care for their partners. If you do, she'll simply lose attraction and swing.
The way things are going, what will happen is eventually you snapping out in frustration, making her nightmares coming true and you won't give a shit about it.

The second thing you should learn is, she LOVES the position she is in. For starters, good or bad, women LOVE to feel intense feelings. And WOA, what INTENSE feelings she has, so much emotional cadies all around.
Second, she isn't simply on a bad sum of circumstances. She is CULTIVATING by a lot of means, one of which is claiming lack of agency it, because you provide her with ALL THE COMFORT she needs to ENJOY the vibe of being a helpless victim of the mean world. She's intensifying what she feels because it earns her more comfort and less demands from you. This is like, very close to perfection for her. Perfection would be being intensely happy, not intensely miserable (but that would require a lot of action from her).
Want to fix it? Break this mechanism. The how to do it is very simple, but you need to capitalize on the attraction you have to persuade her to act.
* When she presents another problem, FIGURE OUT AND TELL HER WHAT THE SOLUTION IS, and MAKE IT SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES HER TO WORK;
* Establish how long you'll give her to mourn, how long you'll spend by her side comforting her, and tell her beforehand. "We'll spend one hour here, than, you'll shake your ass and start fixing it";
* At the end of the time, cease comforting. She'll whine, she'll try to shame you into providing more comfort. Don't do it, tell her "I will take care of my business, you can comfort yourself in some blankets, or you can start acting. I can help a bit."

Now, it seems for me that she has enough confidence to leave you and uses that to set her price. To stay, you give her that much comfort.
If she doesn't see enough value in you, you can't persuade her to get her shit together. She'll leave. And you'll let her, and get one of those other chicks. If she sees, she'll act.

By the way, have her being open about your LTR. Tell her she should get her father to arrange a marriage for her (ops, she's not a virgin anymore) or maybe marrying him instead. Some shit like that. It's really upsetting to see a guy that has read TRP for two years so invested in a chick that doesn't think he's worth enough to confront her father.

Another thing. She's not a great girl. She's a standard issued girl. Controlling as fuck, acts submissive as fuck, takes all punches thrown at her to avoid a confrontation, but uses her best weaponry to protect absolutely everything. You said she hasn't slutted around. Sluting around isn't big deal, but usually the consequences of it are, it makes the women shitty. She is shitty regardless. It doesn't matter whether she was a virgin before.
Dude, girls like that are by the bulk. A CC ridden girl that learned her shit makes a far better partner. Many of the smarter ones end up learning.
Also, how odd is it that she stops sex in the middle of it remarking "it's not feeling special, it's feeling like casual sex" and hasn't fucked around? Issued girl are fuglies and/or fuck around for validation. I don't think there are exception for that these days.

walkingthelinux · 2016-12-15T14:11:36+00:00

This girl is terribly damaged and no one (including you) can save her.

If you want to throw your life away trying, then you will reap the bitter harvest.

And like the other guy said, do you want this woman raising your kids?

RedSkeller · 2016-12-15T14:20:16+00:00

Cohabitation is generally where the romance goes to die. She sounds like she's anxious/doesn't handle life well. Her family doesn't like you, sex is getting more infrequent, new job didn't change who she is - this is a ticking time bomb situation. You're seeing this girl's true colors and the only hope is that she keeps coming home every day. It's going to end, get ready for it and it will be easier.

LordThunderbolt · 2016-12-15T22:11:50+00:00

She's too weak. What happens when u start dealing with real problems? She's gonna bail. This girl has a lot of good things going on from what u say but her red flags are just too red. She's not fit enough to handle the stress of anything.

1NV0K3R · 2016-12-15T12:49:23+00:00

Didn't read this.

Text walls should be a bannable offense.

Lift, read the side bar, next.

I read some of it and I have to ask you this: Why the fuck do you want to fix something that is obviously bad? Are you a woman?

Title	Help me save my LTR. Long post ahead.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	16
Date	December 15, 2016 12:01 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5ih564/help_me_save_my_ltr_long_post_ahead/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/help-me-save-my-ltr-long-post-ahead.182657 https://theredarchive.com/post/182657

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