Recap of my life:

  • Shotgun wedding to long-time gf at 19 who went off birth control without telling me when she got the impression that I wanted to break up with her. Did NOT want to get married. My own idiot father held the shotgun. I still do not talk with him more than a handful of words a month only because of my mother. If she was not around, I would never see him again.

  • Finished school, graduated at top of class through hard work.

  • Through career growth and aforementioned hard work, began to make $300K+/year

  • Over 10 years, had another kid since I thought there was no way out of this marriage. Whenever I wanted out, she would threaten to take the kids away.

  • Eventually, burned out in many respects: personally, work-wise. Business crashed HARD. $300K+/yr -> $50K. Two major customers cancelled upcoming orders because I just stopped giving a fuck. Yes, I've learned my lesson since.

  • As a part of my burnout, I said I wanted a divorce. Then-wife lost it. Claimed abuse, sent me to jail, kidnapped the kids. I was 30(?) at the time. This and the business crash happened within the span of literally 2 weeks. I was completely floored at how an angry woman and the system collaborated to make me guilty of something that never happened and for which they had no proof. I wasn't found guilty of anything (charges were dropped after a year...) but it was a shock.

  • I managed to threaten her with jail time if she didn't bring the kids back. She did. Cost me $20K. Total lawyer cost: at least $100K.

  • Ex-wife stalked me for nearly a year. It was terrifying when she would call and say "If you don't talk to me, I'll tell the police you came to my house". There was a restraining order. When I played back the calls to the police, they were unwilling to do anything. So I lived in this mode where whenever I heard police sirens, I'd get paranoid and think they were coming for me because I pissed her off. Didn't leave the house. Lost weight, gained weight. I even have video of her sitting outside my house at 3am where she called me, drunk. One time, she just showed up at my house and rang the bell. I locked myself up in the bathroom.

  • Surprisingly, for someone who loved the kids so much that she would kidnap them, she eventually abandoned them. They are with me day in, day out. Of course, any idea of support is laughed out by lawyers since I used to make "so much money." The reality is that business has not yet recovered but no one takes that seriously. In part, I think because if I did ask for anything, she'd probably ask for custody to retaliate and manipulate the kids, which she is good at. Probably best enough to leave everything alone and move on. She's making noise recently about wanting the kids with her. I'm ignoring it for now.

It has been 3 years since her accusation.

I completely understand my part in this. What started when I was 19 was a complete dismissal of my desires for my future which culminated in me becoming an empty shell of a man. I had friends, I even had side pieces but I was completely unhaaaapppy (c.f. heartiste). I was not blue pill, not necessarily, but there was enough blue pill there to cause all the above to happen. For example, I became VERY fat. Fortunately, I've lost most of the weight now and people say I look like I looked when I was 18. That's a good thing, as I was a stud in my day. I know I have a presence with women but I'm not very good at capitalizing on it since all of the above happened. When I have sex now, it's feminist style: "Are you sure?" "Yes" "OK". Fucking pathetic. But then I do essentially rape them afterward so I've got that going for me which is nice. No GF for a long time. No real connections either.

I have a quasi-nanny that helps me with the kids, I have some help from my mother (and father, to his credit - but I think he only helps because he thinks I'll take care of him when he is old, I might). Since business has not yet recovered (maybe 1/2 of where I was before), I need to spend a lot of time trying things that may not work. I tried to get a full-time job in my field (medical field) but I got fired both times.

My every day more or less goes from 6am-10pm, nonstop. If I've got a big push at work, it might go till midnight or 1am. Kids stuff (teenager and a kindergartner) punctuated with work. I try and work out at home 3 days a week with sports at least 2 other days a week.

I'm generally content, but not happy, though there are times when I feel like if I could just get my business back to where I was before, I could work on being happy.

Imagine you were me. What do you do next?