How do I distinguish between having a boundary and being a bitch?

phellySL · 2020-05-19T14:59:10+00:00

Try to set solid boundaries early but yes, certain boundaries will come up later.

The difference between being assertive & being a whiny bitch has to do with 2 things.

1) The way in which you address your concern. Do NOT do it emotionally. Don’t be loud, or sound upset or bothered. Do it in a calm yet very stern manner. And mean what you say. Easiest way is to remember that if she’s not with the program, you’ll leave cus there’s women out there that will be.

2) Do not bring up concerns that shouldn’t bother you. I guess this is what you really mean to ask. If it seems like something that she’s supposed to be saying/ doing and not you, well then don’t say/do it. A good example is usually girls are supposed to chase after your time. If you find yourself chasing HER time, you’re acting like a bitch. Don’t do that. Or usually girls should be the ones complaining that you don’t spend enough time together or that she doesn’t like how you were talking to your friend. If you find yourself being the one saying these things, you’re acting like a bitch. Don’t do that. Simple.

Fabulous-Craft · 2020-05-19T12:42:00+00:00

It does kind of depend on the context and the boundary.

Generally speaking, you need to set boundaries before they are crossed. If you do it after the fact, then it becomes an ultimatum which makes you come across as a bitch.

Domebeers · 2020-05-19T17:55:51+00:00

If you don't like X behaviour, tell you don't like it. If she keeps it up you break up with her.

If you tell her 'don't do this or else' and then she does it and you don't do anything about it, that's being a bitch.

Youngyoda89 · 2020-05-19T21:02:15+00:00

Women will consistently test your boundaries throughout the relationship. You have to remain stoic (unfazed by childlike tantrums), stern and not giving a fuck.

Perfect example last night my gf reached over me to ash a blunt and the ash dropped on my shirtless stomach. I was flabbergasted. Are you that stupid? I thought. It was obvious the ash was about to fall off. But I remained composed.

She then proceeded to rub the ash into my skin in an idiotic attempt to brush it off me. I stopped her. She continued so I grabbed her hand forecefully and through it. It hit her in the face.

She told me. You just hit me in the face. I said no I didn’t. I stopped you from rubbing ash on my dick (I was naked in bed and had a viagra boner) and she said ok. I said nothing. 5 minutes later she’s happy again.

She subconsciously wants to be disciplined when she makes stupid mistakes. No girl is going to admit this bc they don’t realize it’s what they want.

thrwy75479 · 2020-05-19T19:12:27+00:00

Telling people not to do something is the quickest way to get them to keep doing it. At the same time, you have to teach people how you want to be treated so boundaries are essential.

Also, when you set a boundary, it goes 2 ways. You're influencing their behaviour, and it only works if you, too, are open to influence. Otherwise, it becomes a dictatorship where one person attempts to control everything. This is why setting boundaries develops intimacy in a relationship as you're learning more about each other, where your limits are, why the limits exist, etc.

Positive reinforcement is a good way to go about it. If someone does something you don't like, it's important to not react. Instead, ignore, and continue as you were. Likewise, when someone does something you like, reward them. This can be done with something as simple as a warm smile, or enthusiasm in your voice, or generally being more friendly.

Another approach is to use assertive language to express yourself, and how you feel when they do something you don't like. Note that when you do this, don't tell them what to do, or not to do. The idea is to tell them how you feel, but not control their behaviour. That's up to them. If they care about you, and your feelings are reasonable, they'll apologize, and make changes.

Further, there's the matched approach, which uses "tit-for-tat". If they do something you don't like, mirror it back to them to alert them of their behaviour. Conversely, the same tactic is used to reward good behaviour. This is widely used in most workplace settings, as it is the most ethically fair method to manage professional relationships, and not get taken advantage of (since people won't want to screw around with you), while also reaping the benefits of cooperation. It's important to have an element of forgiveness here, because if there isn't, then both parties would be attacking each other forever. This technique can be employed in personal relationships, however, it can be difficult due to differences in gender roles in heterosexual relationships, and the complex nature of intimate relationships.

Finally, it's important to maintain a degree of flexibility. If you have too many boundaries, and they're too rigid, people will simply stay away. Consistency is also key. If you've set a boundary, then you have to keep with that. Just because it's Sunday, doesn't mean it's okay to call you a bitch.

Title	How do I distinguish between having a boundary and being a bitch?
Author	HoedownInBrownTown
Upvotes	17
Comments	14
Date	May 19, 2020 11:43 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/gmmy1y/how_do_i_distinguish_between_having_a_boundary/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-i-distinguish-between-having-a-boundary-and.666955 https://theredarchive.com/post/666955

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