This is a situation involving coworkers. I’m a big dude, ex-neckbeard and my sense of style and decorum is shit cause I’m a total chimp.

Enter my boy, slim, very attractive, very old school 70s stoner look to him. But he’s a complete simp, afraid of women, virgin etc.

Enter the chick who just got hired in. Late 20s, three kids, brushing up against the wall, attractive but used in a ex-trailer park princess kinda way. I get him to train her because I refuse to train people that don’t look bright and because I know he’ll agree.

Now, despite Simp always claiming impossibly high standards for any would-be conquest, being in contact with a woman that is somewhat pleasant to him, he has instantly changed his tune and he wants it. But he has no idea how to flirt and is afraid of making any moves. After she gets in good with our clique, we suggest inviting her to social events with us for plausible deniability, but HE shoots it down because “uhhh these things take time” Demands control of the situation but refuses to exercise control.

We attempt to talk him up and pull some game on his behalf. When we order takeout for lunch, he often pays for her. We ask if she wants food and she’s like “nah no $ lol” so I tell her to ask her sugar daddy. She says she’s feeling guilty for spending his money, I tell her there’s more than on way to pay him back, wink. Her food is too spicy, when I joke about her face looking like a baboon’s ass, she whines that she gets red whenever she has hot stuff in her mouth. “Won’t be the first or last time that happens,” I say. “Good thing Simp isn’t Mexican. She flushed head to toe.

We had one of our girls spy and Chick does find Simp cute. We told him but of course he wants to drag feet until he gets friendzoned. But the more I do this shit, trying to send her his way, the more she speaks to ME. The more she IOIs me. At the end of today, an unrelated coworker commented on how much she flirts with us both.

“Both?” Simp is dumbfounded. “Yeah,” she says, “I can tell in her body language that she’s really into you guys.” “Oh uh, well you know Grognard, if it happens again you’ll make sure to redirect it at me...right?

Jesus fuck. People have asked if I want to smash it. And I honestly answered them; not particularly. She’s cute, seems fun. I’d do it to do it, but she’s not the kind that deserves (or requires) the effort and ritual that my boy is putting into this broad. It would almost be like a mercy killing to invite her to the bar then get her in bed just to set an example for him. Tough love or dickhead move?

How do I get this chick to leave me be and fuck him? Get us all together, get him to fistfight me in front of her and take a dive? Somebody mused that would make Chick want to tend my wounds and get some sexy nurse vibes going.

To be clear boys, I get that you shouldn’t shit where you eat. I also get that there’s nothing to gain from becoming Captain Save-a-Lad. Not looking for a ban, but legit advice. I just want to see my boy with a feather in his cap, you dig? Then he can see that vagina isn’t scary, and he can start chimping on his way to pimping.