How to established boundary with gf without sounding insecure?

MisterRoid · 2020-05-11T06:46:40+00:00

If you are being a faggot who's worried about sounding insecure or "butthurt", there are no ways to establish boundaries, sorry.

retrozeee · 2020-05-11T06:17:39+00:00

"my girl doesn't hang out with other guys"

No explanation. If she does it, hard next

i-am-the-prize · 2020-05-11T17:15:22+00:00

here's what I told one of my son's who is in highschool whose GF started DM'ing her ex....

you say "GF" in your post title, which means LTR. So to be clear, if you really mean she's just a Plate or FB, you say nothing because it doesn't matter, and there is no exclusivity, so you just note and observe. Note that if she keeps orbiters who she used to fuck, this is not LTR behavior. Period. Enjoy the lay, don't catch feels. etc.
But, let's say as a plate/FB she never did this, after some time 'dating' non exclusively, she gets promoted to GF and later pulls this shit out of a hat, and suddenly let's it slip that her ex is now DM'ing her (it probably didn't just start, but let's say you now just found out). What you do is simple:

You do NOT say: "stop DM'ing him (or I'll dump you)" (aka an utimatum)

Why? other than being weak, she will respond with one of 2 things

"don't you trust me?" / "we're just friends"
"if you were more of a man or secure this wouldn't bother you"

There is no winning move if you go down the ultimatum path. Sure you can ghost/drop right away as it's BS and if she was on the border with you anyways, so that can be a valid response and don't forget: https://archive.is/ENAtL

But, if you want to try the boundary method, a few things

establish it early, don't wait to state your position when you see the behavior. waiting will make it worse, it sets a precedent, you'll brood/get angry, she'll see it as a weakness.
state your peace calmly: do not be angry nor emotional; chicks are emotional: you're the rock. Simply state:

"When I'm in an LTR I do not DM/chat/travel with people who currently or previously have had feelings for me... and I expect the same of my GF". (then STFU).

literally say nothing else. If she replies with "dont' you trust me" or anything stupid, just "broken record" and state it again ("when I'm in al LTR I do not...") and STFU. No threat, no ultimatum. Just a reasonable boundary and statement. Then observe. Anything other than a full "yeah that was wrong/dumb/sorry it wont' happen again" and actual behavior change in a GF/LTR means demote/ghost or whatever.

She'll either modify her behavior because she does want you (ie: an LTR from you) or not. Either way, do NOT cave on a boundary ever, or you'll have no bite and be all bark in her eyes.

As a man you control your Time and your Attention, give them away to women who mistreat you at your own peril.

beholdthemaverick · 2020-05-11T18:18:28+00:00

It’s like half these guys have never read plate theory V (lady’s game) and have 0 understanding of what it means for your gf to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

You can be try to be cool and hold frame all you want while your girl collects and spins plates in front of you. You’ll just seethe with butthurt and hope she ‘gets it’ eventually.

Or you can grab your balls and lead. It’s on you to make it clear that you don’t commit to girls who hangout with and text other guys if that’s not what you like in a LTR.

These guys do the actual most to avoid looking or sounding ‘insecure’. Women use that word to shame you into complying with their fuckery.

Nothing says secure like a guy who’s clear about what he does and doesn’t want (without being butthurt or reactive about it).

The rest is all bullshit that these women sold you.

And a lot of you bought it cause you’re so deathly afraid of being called ‘insecure’ or ‘controlling’.

skizzum97 · 2020-05-11T18:31:24+00:00

I don't understand these idiots telling you to just STFU and accept being cucked lol. That's just pure faggot advice.

This shit happens a lot in LTRs because you usually start casual and there aren't explicit boundaries set. This is how bitches hamster their way into making it okay ("oh, well you never TOLD me I couldn't talk to exes...")

Call her out and dread her. Threaten to end it over her bullshit... This is where you will find out how much she really values you...

If she responds in any other way besides apologizing, weeping, self-degradation for her mistake, begging, etc. drop her ass immediately and ghost. If she calls you insecure or some shit like that you've already lost her. If she responds appropriately you will now have yourself a subservient LTR who has been put on fucking notice that you will not tolerate insubordination. Makes it easier on you if this happens again. You are showing that you are aware AWALT so she will try going forward to prove you wrong.

redhorndog · 2020-05-11T07:59:12+00:00

This is said enough of times here. Find somone who shares the same values or how does it bother you on your turn.

Most women think its normal. You need to work on your frame and then lead.

Ideally when she pushes for commitment thats when you can set the boundary. Otherwise like others said youre gonna seem insecure.

"I dont date girls who communicate with their ex"

Its easier to find someone younger and with less baggage, than trying to get it to work.

You cant control her actions only yours. If its disrespectful then leave now and minimize your pain.

michael_in_chains · 2020-05-11T12:13:18+00:00

Just don't give a fuck.

The second you start showing her any insecurities about who she's seeing etc., she will start losing interest and she will start shit testing, and then as the time passes disrespect you like you mean nothing to her.

Right when she starts disrespecting you that's a whole different story. You send her back where she belongs - the fucking streets.

amwfhunter · 2020-05-11T07:20:45+00:00

I think boundaries can apply better if you lead by example. Tell her "My ex contacted me the other day. I just ignored her because she is an ex for a reason."

This female wants to hang out but I'd rather spend my time with you or with my homies.

Then u test her opinion of it. See what she says. Sure it is a bit of a lie but it implies you have boundaries and expectations. Shows you have principle.

If she doesnt, then u cut her loose. Any female who does not follow your lead is not worth keeping anyways.

KirthWGersen · 2020-05-11T07:24:18+00:00

First, there is no way you can do this without seeming insecure, because it is insecure. Men who feel secure don't care who their girlfriend hangs out with.

Second, this is not a boundary (which is a limit you place on yourself), it is a rule (a limit you set for someone else).

If you let your girlfriend know that hanging out with her ex or other men makes you feel insecure, congratulations, you have just handed her a weapon she can use against you. Consciously or unconsciously, she will manipulate you with plausibly-deniable hints that will enflame jealousy. She will toy with you, control you and send you on an express trip down the betaisation superhighway. If she sees you are totally unphased, she will have no power over you. She will wonder why you are not a typically jealous guy and be forced to find positive ways of attracting your attention.

Title	How to established boundary with gf without sounding insecure?
Author	datgrim
Upvotes	0
Comments	17
Date	May 11, 2020 6:09 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/ghi1ud/how_to_established_boundary_with_gf_without/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-established-boundary-with-gf-without.662301 https://theredarchive.com/post/662301

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