Fuck. This. Shit. I'm so fucking frustrated. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm sad.

I thought it was all going so well. I've been swallowing the red pill. I've been improving myself. I've felt the change. I feel how people around me behave different towards me, and I love it. Girls want me, which I never thought actually possible, I had (have? Edit after I wrote everything: definitely have.) deep insecurities.

I was bullied in school and had no social and sexual experience until 22. I was totally desperate, and through being manipulative, trying very hard to please, altering my whole personality, I was able to "secure" an absolutely beta relationship.

The sex was bad and rare. She was ugly. One time, she wanted sex, but I did absolutely not feel like it. But since I "had" to please her, I "tried" anyway. I couldn't get it up. She was angry and basically blaming me. Guess who couldn't get it up the next few times. (It took work, but I was actually able to function again after some time)

Now guess who wasn't happy and became hugely depressed. I went to therapy, figured out a bunch of stuff with a truly red pill therapist. Couldn't afford him anymore, so had to stop.

But I broke up with her. I was free and found TRP. This was ~8-9 months ago. I went monk mode. I'm so fucking proud of myself.

I came out of it as someone I couldn't recognize anymore. I've never felt better in my life. I know I'm still me, I'm not putting up a facade. I'm someone now that attracts girls. I'm someone that can be the center of attention at parties. I can walk up to girls randomly, get their number. I am confident and I don't care if I get with that girl or if she sucks, don't.

But now, but today, I don't feel like this anymore.

No, I still do. The change that happened isn't gone... I just feel terrible now.

I'm kind of sorry I had to put up this wall of text, and thank you for reading so far. I think it was necessary to even being able to get any real help.

So maybe 2.5 months ago, when I truly came out of monk mode and started being more social, I met this girl in dancing classes. I saw the IOIs, I knew she was attracted. We had two dates, sex on the third, sex on the fourth.
Can you guess what happened? The sex wasn't good. I mean was it? I'm not actually sure. You see, I have no reference point. For me, it was pretty good. I was turned on, she was turned on, I fucked her, I came. The second time, I was turned on, I fucked her, I came. But this second time was different already. I noticed after the fact that she wasn't like she was at the start of the first time. Much less enthusiastic. I don't think she came.

And now she doesn't want to meet me any more. It's not like I was a needy bitch. It was actually a pretty long time till I noticed - huh, there's actually no contact. I was busy with lifting, building my business, hobbies, etc. I called her sometime, she "didn't have time". Not another time either.

I'm not dumb, I knew she wasn't interested anymore, but I didn't think about it much. I still saw her at the dancing lessons, friendly interaction, but I avoided her.

But it was in the back of my mind. I met other girls, had a few dates.

Today was the last lesson, and we won't see each other again. Subconsiciously, I hoped that she wasn't actually not interested, maybe she just really had a busy schedule. Everyone knows that's not true. I asked her one last time if she wanted to meet, she didn't.

So that's that. Now I'm sitting here. I'm here thinking that the only thing why she suddenly isn't interested anymore was the sex. I thought that in the weeks before. But now it really hit me.

I now noticed that I didn't like the sex either. Now I see that it wasn't much better than the sex I had in that beta-relationship. Now I see, that I still have some issues. Why was the sex bad? Am I bad in bed? What did I do wrong? I have a date on Friday and she is really sweet and I'm pretty sure that I could have sex with her. But I don't want to. I don't see the point in sex anymore. It's not great at all for me. Maybe I just don't have enough experience (ok, not maybe). But how should I get it? I don't want to have sex with a girl, have her and me not like it, she will lose interest, and we stop. That would just be stupid. And I just have so many other interests and things which I'm doing now, and I love it. Why waste time with bad sex?

Am I still a hopeless beta? Did I actually change? I don't know what I should do.

I read "The Sex God Method". Sex... should be fun. It's not just that book, I mean it's not like most other people dislike sex... most like it pretty much actually. But I don't. I didn't have any good experiences with it. I don't know how to overcome this. Can I even have good experiences? How?

I don't want to go MGTOW. I still have a strong sexual desire. I like messing around with girls. I like that girl that I have a date with on friday, she is totally into me. But will she be after I had sex with her?

I'm so fucking needy. It's unbelievable. But on the other hand, I'm not. I'm so confused.

Please, I'm so lost right now.