Let me start of by saying that I've always been very tense and anxious since my early childhood. And as time went by I've had more and more mental problems, like constant fatigue, anxiety, depression and general mental unrest. For years, I've been having these addictions like porn, tobacco, too much internet etc. that I've pretty much eliminated now. They were there because I deep inside had these subconscious blockages that I wasn't even aware of. I've been into very much self-discovery and did a lot of introspective meditation and psychedelics.

I've come to realize that the biggest unresolved blockage I have is my non-existing relationship with my dad. In my family, my mom was always the captain. My father has no frame and never had. He is BP'ed to the core and always did and said what my mother did. He never sat boundaries and he literally let me bully him without any consequences, however, the well-being of our family and our interpretation of him was always his only mission in life. Just like myself, my dad is a little autistic, and he never was a true father-figure to me. He was often absent, and let my mom raise me and my sister the way she wanted.

Later on, I've come to seek so much validation from other men. I was the typical Nice Guy, not only with women but also with other men. I was as beta as it gets. I was like a little dog to other men, especially middle-aged men like my father, and whenever I felt that I pleased them or got their attention, I would feel some sense of accomplishment and worthiness. When I first discovered TRP, I started lifting and eating like crazy and now 25 lbs of muscles later, I'm still as beta as I always was. In fact I'm the most beta in almost every social setting with other males even though I'm tall and muscular. Now that I'm 20 yo and feel and think like a man, I still have a very needy behavior, which repulses people like crazy. And finally I've come to terms with what it is. It is the lack of a father-figure throughout my upbringing that caused this.

When I came to terms with it, the tears started to come like crazy. It also feels as a big relief to finally know what it is that I've been holding onto me all this time. Now my father is soon to be 60 and I don't know how I can strengthen this bond with my dad that didn't even exist through all these years. I love my dad, and I am so sad it had to be this way. And I really don't want to continue through life with this mental blockage.

I will try to contact him more often. But what else could I do to fix this issue of mine?