I'm 28 and I'm realising that I'm lost and directionless. It is pressing on me harder the older I get.
Sometimes I look at some of my peers who managed to settle down and get a kid or two and think that they have this part of life sorted. I want a kid too. But the problem is that I'm unable to settle down.
I must have some nomad blood in me because everyone in my family has been migrating all their lives. I came to Scotland at the age of 19 to study and since then lived on my own. My studying was really shitty but I somehow managed to pull myself through both undergrad and postgrad degrees. I graduated in late 2017 and since then been on even more adventures. After uni, I had no idea where to go so I moved where I had someone I knew - to the north of England. I couldn't find a stable job there. After 9 months I found it in Midlands. That didn't work out and I was laid off after 3 months, so I moved again, now to South. This time it was better, been here for 10 months and my career really started shaping up. But my position is relatively low so I will have to move again next year to get a promo. It's going to be London because I have nowhere else to go. I have decent contacts in my industry I could utilize to get a senior position.
But I don't have my family in London and I don't see how I could settle down there either considering the house prices. I will only be earning enough by the age of 40-45 to be able to afford a house on my own, and it probably won't be London. So unless I find a wife I won't ever have my own place. I don't really have any savings because I've been moving all this time and was practically dysfunctional financially until two years ago.
I've only had a proper relationship once and I've had my share of experiences with females but lately I've been struggling with them as those who I find attractive (mainly not bitchy) are mostly taken at this age. I attract young girls but young girls have tiny brains these days, they are not interested in settling down. Besides, for a partner I'm looking for someone who speaks my native language (european). As result, my life is purely focused on my work, gym, and my shitty car. I try to do fun stuff like photographing and volunteering but it feels tedious at times, and I don't have much time for it.
I have no problems in looks department but I have a shitty personality I inherited from my divorced mom. I was bullied in school and became a bully myself. I'm trying to work on it, it is getting better, but my relationships with people are always quite tense. Even here I couldn't find any friends outside my work in over 10 months. Being introverted doesn't help as I can spend days without talking to people and be fine. Dad exists, and we speak fairly regularly, but he never gives me any life advice at all.
The only thing that's keeping me sane is knowing that my career is going to be good, I have the qualities to be a leader, as long as I work on my internal problems and improve organisational and people skills.
My last last chance would be to go home if London doesn't work out, and settle there, although I don't really want to leave the UK - I gave my youth to this place and grew with it. But that's where I'm certain I will find a wife, and a cheaper home. I thank TRP for opening the eyes, I was practically a useless dummy until about 26 years old. I'm low key hoping that my 30s will be great as I'm a late bloomer and it seems I'm now figuring some stuff now. But when I think of having a kid at 38 I'm worried because I feel it's too late. But right now I don't see how I could sustain a family, I will need around 5 years of hard work before I reach that point. I feel like a log floating down the river.
Anyone in a similar position? And since I've never really considered it, is it worth getting in touch with some life coaches to see if they can help? I'm used to relying only upon myself, but maybe it's time to ask for help.
[–]just_some_otaku1 points [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
I'm interested to know what's making you eager about wanting kids and getting maried
[–]dmi_3[S] 3 points4 points5 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]just_some_otaku1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
It's your life so do what you want, but what's the end goal? I'm going to type a bit because this is something I'm passionate about. There's people who donate their sperm and have 100s of kids. Their life doesn't particularly change and they usually don't even get to meet those kids. At best, their just a conduit for genetic code which is over 99% similar to just about anyone else's. And if that's your goal, then sure, go that route. Have you ever seen a chimpanzee and said "oh yea he looks just like his great great grandfather!". You can answer that. Do you think that you have some huge responsibility to carry on the family line? When your mom and dad are dead, do you think they'd give a shit? They'd be too busy being decomposed to give a fuck about some nonsense like that. Right now, they're alive it seems, and maybe they do want grand-kids, but is it more the idea of having a grand-kid that's been ingrained in their head since childhood and through societal pressure and conditioning that entices them? Maybe it's religion, even. Every time you have a child, you're putting them at risk. 3/1000 child births lead to cerebral palsy. That's literally hell on earth. Or are your wants/needs greater than the potential harm for the child? Is it to pass on your culture, life experience, or heritage? In a hundred years, will your legacy still exist? Possibly, if we're being optimistic. What about in a 1000? Entire countries won't exist, let alone a heritage. So if your goal is to "leave a mark", you're better off helping other people and focusing on your purpose. Once again though, just food for thought. Do what you want. I can also imagine seeing your friends getting married and having kids puts pressure on you and makes you question your own sanity. That's kind of the goal of society to keep you in line.
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