I am 19 years old, had a girlfriend (She played me good).

I never had the balls to go to talk to a girl and when I finally got my balls, my game was ultra-beta.

I don't even know what to type or how I can express my thoughts in words but I will try my best to articulate them as clear as possible. I will give my paragraphs "Titles" (Which might not be needed, but anyway).

The Journey: Beginning

I am new to the Red Pill. I just read "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. Mr. Tomassi really described me in that book. It opened my eyes. Anyway, that book was the beginning of my red pill journey.

The next thing on my book list is "The book of pook" and some "Game" books.

I have chosen to go with "The Mystery Method", "Cocky and Funny", "Secrets of Speed seduction" and Finally "The Game".

Reality & Desire

I was a beta male, Maybe I still am to some extent but I am pretty sure I am gonna be completely unplugged after people will help me out on this question.

I was a beta male due to the feminized world we live in and I was conditioned to believe that "Unconditional love" exists by Hollywood, Disney romantic movies. I always believed that "I" will also get unconditional love from my Future girlfriend/Wife and I will be appreciated because of the sacrifices I made for a girl who I considered "The ONE".

When my ex-girlfriend played me and broke up with me (about a year ago), I was sad, even though we were not sexual, It still hurt a lot back then as I made sacrifices for her.

I read The rational male and I realized what I did wrong, I realized my shortcomings. After reading the rational male, I wasn't angry at women for their hypergamous nature, I was just Disappointed and Sad at reality.

Thoughts

I completed the rational male 4 days ago and was sad and disappointed. I was sad and disappointed because I realized that women will never "Love" me rather they will "fight" over me because of my higher value and given how I interact (that is Game).

I always thought when I will get a girlfriend I'd cuddle with her, look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her. But, in reality, if I do that she'll take me for granted and it will backfire on me.

It genuinely made me sad and confused.

I feel lucky and happy that I accidentally stumbled upon the red pill last month as I can learn many red pill things by the time I am 22 or 23, but the reality is way too cruel, I just wanted to experience romance in a way I imagined.

2 days ago my grandma passed away, It made me realize that human life is so Fragile. I thought to myself that life is so short and the things I expected (romantically) were just a fairy tale that I wouldn't get to do and Ultimately, one day I will die.

I don't know if I was able to articulate my thoughts/questions. I hope you'll understand.

Thank you