Need some advice

HDThoreauaway · 2014-06-05T17:21:25+00:00

One day we started to make out and she started crying to say she feels guilty and don't want to cheat on her bf.

I would take this at face value. She enjoys spending time with you, and is sexually committed to someone else.

Do you like hanging out with her? Would you enjoy it as much if you knew for certain you were just friends, and would never have a sexual relationship? If her boyfriend came to visit, could you three all hang out without you feeling jealous or weird about it?

If the answer is yes to those questions, then drop all expectation or pursuit of a sexual outcome and just be her friend. If the answer is no to those questions, I'd recommend creating some distance between you.

Because here's the thing that's not differentiated enough in this sub. You're not a friend-zoned "orbiter" if you're friends with a woman who you're not pursuing sexually. You're just a friend. the friend-zone dynamic is really only there when the relationship is asymmetrical, and is being sustained by one person (usually the guy) being more interested in the possibility of a romantic relationship than the reality of a friendship. If that's not the case -- if you simply enjoy spending platonic time with her -- then you aren't setting up a painful "orbiting" dynamic.

(Also, do keep in mind that women who you're actually friends with, meanwhile, and not just orbiting, are a great way to meet other women.)

PhantomDream09 · 2014-06-05T17:49:21+00:00

If she was serious about not cheating on her SO she would have

Avoided creating a situation where cheating could happen (studying alone with you)
Never have allowed inappropriate physical contact

People that have a problem with cheating don't cheat. People that want to appear like good, moral individuals will try to justify/excuse their behavior when they do cross the line while they continue to play with fire. If she was sincere - she would take steps to distance herself from you. This isn't your relationship, nor is it your job to protect the integrity of her relationship.

You have learned some valuable things about this woman. She commits verbally to men - but it's essentially meaningless because she doesn't back her words up with appropriate behavior. Keep her as a plate if you want to, but never date her seriously. At least you know going in that while she may mean well - she cannot be trusted to stay loyal when she feels sufficiently attracted to another man.

It's laughable that she said "I don't want to cheat on him" - she became a liar and a cheat the minute she touched you/kissed you. If she was discussing intimate details with you about her life and relationship (things she should have been going to her SO about) then she was cheating on him emotionally. Many women end up physically cheating after they have established an inappropriate emotional bond.

Figure out what you want, and don't make her relationship your problem.

theycallme1 · 2014-06-05T20:21:49+00:00

Bad news champ.. As soon as you distance yourself, she is going to pursue you even more. You vaguely went into the actual dynamic between you two and if you are orbiting her and chasing her; that is why she is over-thinking and backing away. If she made out with you, she would have slept with you .(pending the attraction was high enough) It really all depends what moral road you want to take.

One thing I can promise you is that if it isn't you, it will be someone else. Chances are you two are young and she won't end up locking this poor guy down.

zpatriarchy · 2014-06-05T20:29:32+00:00

bang her. she already cheated on him by making out with you. you don't owe the bf anything.

don't believe this friends nonsense. unless you live in some magical city where you are the only man she could have made female friends.

if you don't sleep with her, you will regret it, years later. either way stop being her friend.

Title	Need some advice
Author	londonmet050
Upvotes	2
Comments	9
Date	June 5, 2014 5:13 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/27eaik/need_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/need-some-advice.140170 https://theredarchive.com/post/140170

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