Not Happy

I have been on here for a while. I made a lot of self improvements. Thank you! But I still am not having much success?

• I have been lifting (newbie gains) free weights at home 5 days a week. Recently, joined a gym and got a personal trainer (I have been very scared of this for a long time -- I never used a gym before). He said on the first session that I was doing really good -- people would kill to be at my 15% body fat -- he was surprised that I have never been to a gym. But I don't feel very fit. I live in NYC now and everywhere I look I see guys that are bigger than me. I know that am just starting, and this takes time. But I feel stupid that I am 30 and just starting to lift.

• It took me a while to find a set of clothing that I liked and looked good. I dress much better than I use to. but after moving to NYC, it's like I am average.

• Now I can read girls intentions and things feel rather empty. I keep seeing that she is showing interest in me cause she wants a BB/provider or testing me. I feel unattractive even when girls flirt with me -- she just wants to make me her free lunch/BB. I know I am avoiding a lot of crap, but I use to fall for all of this shit.

• I am mostly past the "angry phase". I can control myself, and that's what I focus on.

• I earn a lot of money as software engineer, but I honestly think it is better to hide this fact. Else I get pigeon holed into the BB idea. i often think about quitting my boring desk job and looking to do something more exciting. I don't feel wealthy. it's going to take a long to have enough money that I can stop working. I think i would just leave if it were not for child support. I am lucky with this one -- my x has not asked to raise the child support -- I "only" pay 650/month while earning 150k year.

• The better I get, the more shit tests I seem to get. I am happy for this, it means I am seen to have potential.

• HB5/6 flirt with me, but I feel bad cause I think "is this all I am seen to be worth?" HB5/6 reject me and i feel pathetic. i use to be so happy to have attention from a 5/6

• I am too concerned about others. I get my self value from how others think of me. I feel bad if that girl shows disinterest in me. i think this is wrong. but how to fix it.

• I have no guy friends. and girls make poor friends. so I have no friends.

• gay men keep flirting with me. one guy I tried to be friends with but he can't accept that I am not attracted to him. its always weird. attractive girls check me out, sometimes turn back to look at me.

• I think I plated my older neighbor. why can't other girls fuck like her? i feel really 'alpha' with her. she knows I don't care and will find another girl ... plate broke.

• I am not good with social life. I go to spanish meetups and salsa dance classes. I meet attractive girls in the groups, but i feel like I am shit with this. its like easy mode. they talk and flirt -- but somehow I don't know how to keep up. an older lady is flirting a TON with me from group -- its not going anywhere because she wants a BB. I made it clear I was not her BB. she sent me a pic of her old "chad", looks like he was some kind of pro wrestler? well this is never going to work -- she is broken and old. no man will compare to a guy who's job is the alpha man... maybe i can meet other latin girls through her? she wants to trade help with her resume for practice dancing... yea attraction can't be negotiated - this is crap. alpha widow.

• i keep seeing BB guys. my roommate's bf is a big pussy. i keep seeing him doing her dishes. I call him her "little bitch". This use to be me about a year ago -- chore play! guys in nyc spend a ton of money showing how beta they are.

• I have not had sex in a while.

• i have bought most of the books recommended around here, and read about 1/3 so far.

• I am bad at controlling my emotions -- i want to be a rock, but often i am a big pussy

• I think that approaching is the next thing i need to just do.

• i get over vested with i start to like a girl. this should go away if i get more plates.