I thought I was over it, but I guess I wasn’t. Swallowed the pill a few years ago after I found my ex wife selling ass online. Heavy anger phase. Got my shit together and been successfully spinning plates for almost 3yrs. I thought I accepted AWALT, but I’ve noticed that in the few times I actually began to like a girl as mire than a plate, I immediately began treating her like shit and going from playful jerk to just an asshole and pretty much dislike her just got existing. Then I just let the plate drop even though there was nothing wrong.

I’m catching myself in a similar pattern. One of my longer plates is really growing on me. She cooks for me, brings me things when I’m sick, never expects me to pay for anything, gives sex with no hesitation or need to ask, very respectful to me in general. For the past few weeks, I’ve been considering upgrading her. But the second I realized I cared about her, I got extra assholish and just can’t seem to cut it out. She just told me a few min ago “I wish you’d talk to me nicer. Idk what I did.” But she didn’t do anything. I just still kinda hate women. All I said back was that I’ll be nice when you come by for the weekend and just left it alone.

Is there a way to force myself to grow tf up and let go of shit or do I accept this and just admit I’m gay /s