I've nearly killed myself today.

I'm not new to TRP, I'm not new to its strategies, and I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. What I'm looking for is advice.

A little about me: I work a decent job. I'm about 6'1" and over 293lbs. I know that's very overweight, but I feel like I look even fatter than I feel and am. I'm trying to get started on lifting, but even seeing myself in the mirror crushes my ego and confidence. I have friends. I've had women. I've got a good job. I've got TRP knowledge: but all of that fades away when I see the fat fuck staring back at me in the mirror.

I feel like my friends don't care about me at all. I've had fellow Redpilled guy friends, but none of them have gone through this same shit (AFAIK) and the most they tell me is just "Lift more" or "Suck it up".

I've been trying that, but that didn't stop me from nearly sucking on the barrel of a handgun tonight. I was too much of a pussy to do it. I tell myself it'll get better, but I don't know if I believe that.

A lot's happened to me lately. I lost my last job, I may be developing problems with a bone, I'm fat, I'm unmotivated, I'm miserable. I've lost my apartment due to a bitch of a landlady. Recently I even tried to plate up with a coworker I liked. My Alpha exterior and frame shattered like broken glass that night, and now she either hates me or thinks I'm the weirdest person in the world and ignores me, all because I broke frame just once. I don't blame her; in fact, I know it's my fault. I apologized for my behavior, and it had no effect. If anything it made it worse. I heard her talking loudly and tossing looks over to me as she yammered about some guy she may or may not have fucked the same night we were out together. Maybe it wasn't her intention, but I'll be damned if that didn't make me feel so low, given what else has happened lately. I've not had the best experiences with women. My longest LTR was two months. I've not had a plate in well over a year, if not more, and it seems that I get along great with men and women alike, but as soon as any of them get to know me, they ditch me. I only have one real good "friend" left to my name, and I feel he's sick of this emotional turmoil of mine as much as anyone else, as supportive as he's tried to be.

I feel like I'm in a pit that I can't escape from. What's the point of a job and money if you feel like everyone hates you and thinks you're worthless? Redpill goes on and on about "Focus on yourself, no one else" but I've sincerely doubted that mindset lately. No man is an island. You can have the best gains, tons of cash, and feel great about yourself, but what does ANY of that matter if you're going to be alone and miserable your whole life? I'm in my 20's and I know my time hasn't come yet, but these are feelings I've been dealing with since early high school. I saw a therapist for years, I genuinely did improve, and things now are better than before, but now I feel trapped. I feel like all I'm worth to anyone is a bullet through my head, and no amount of meditation, prayer, or TRP reading has helped me.

I'd like to emphasize that I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm not new either. I read TRP almost daily, I get the knowledge, but I don't feel like it helps my life.

What I want isn't your condolences or pity, I want support. I want to know if any other guys on here go through this and feel like giving up as much as I do. I decided against offing myself, so it's not like I'm on the brink and ready to get triggered at negative comments. I just want to know how other men have gotten through this if any feel the same as me.