Hey guys, long time reader and poster. I hate to make this feel like a woe-is-me type post, but I have no one in my actual life that I would want to tell any of this to. But long story short, I've been depressed for a long time and even from time to time have thoughts about passing myself over. And I dont know what to do about it.

When I was in high school, I had this girlfriend. She was my first everything, my first kiss, lost our virginity together, all of it. I was going in to the navy right after high school, with the highest recruit position they could offer anyone. My girlfriend sat me down one day in our last semester, crying, telling me that she couldnt live with herself letting me leave and that she wanted to be together forever. I told my recruiter I wasnt going anymore. Then, a week before our prom, she left me for someone else and went with them. I went alone; just to say I didnt miss anything even if I could have. I didnt even have any real friends, I had 'friends' that I would hang out with, but have never had anyone that would hit me up to hang and Im sure none of them would ever notice if I stopped doing it myself. I dont know if maybe I did that to myself though, spending all my time with this girl instead of making friends.

Fast forward to after school and now I had no plans for college because my plan was the military, which I to this day regretfully abandoned. My parents had just divorced right before I left school, and my dad did everything but up and left all 4 of our remaining family members to move with his new girlfriend. Neither of my parents had ever even told me I should go to college because neither of them did, and I had no money and didnt even know what I would want to go for, so I figured it was best to stay out of school because I thought I'd just be wasting money I didnt have.

My mom, who has suffered against bipolar disorder her whole life, who was a stay-at-home mom without a career, was devastated at the divorce and since our dad left we couldnt afford our house and we moved from smaller house to smaller house, probably 4 or 5 times in a year and a half before we settled down. I was working petty minimum wage cooking jobs just to give myself something to do and help my mom cover the bills.

After some time, I met a new girlfriend. We were together for about 2 years, and after about a year and a half in I bought her an engagement ring. I found out a few months later she had been sleeping with 2 other boyfriends for over a year while dating me.

At that time I was working at a warehouse making about a grand every 2 weeks and had a small apartment of my own right near my moms to keep her company, where my girlfriend was supposed to live with me. After we broke up, I cried every night for probably over a month. I lost my job at the warehouse because I started crying when I was alone and no one could see me and missed my production quotas. I turned to drinking and playing video games all day because I didnt know what else to do, and even if I had at the time I didnt see a point in it. I was alone, jobless, and heartbroken.

I had to leave my apartment because I had no job, and went back with my mother. She began to detest me, as I was admittedly a mess, and she tossed me out to live in my car. This might have been both a curse and a blessing. I lived in my car with no money and nowhere to go for about a week, and reached out to my since aloof father. He let me stay with him and his new wife for a few days, and while with them I started looking at colleges and got into a university near by there, and started there in the spring a few months later. My dad helped me out by letting me stay there and paying my rent by working for him at his own shop.

While there, I had a 3.6 GPA, I was doing great. For the first 3 semesters. Then my dad's business closed down, and for some reason to this day I don't understand, they decided it was my fault. Threw me out and have barely talked to me since besides the occasional "merry christmas". I had to use every dime I had left to pay for an apartment on campus, and again was jobless.

I had no friends except for the occasional tinder hookup and my roommate who Im 90% sure only used me to buy him drinks. My grades had gone to shit, and my depression came back again because I had just started to lose all faith in every one in my life and didnt see a point in trying, in anything. At the end of that semester, I had no more money to keep staying there, but my mom had offered me reconciliation by letting me move back with her. Unfortunately, her apartment was an hour from my school, and Ive had the same car I've had since high school, and it was falling apart and I had no money to fix it or buy a new one. I started skipping classes, my grades dropping every semester, until the third semester of doing this I just simply stopped going.

While back with my mother, I met a girl on tinder. We clicked a lot and had quite a bit in common, and had tuns of fun together. We dated for about 6 months, and found out she was a mega slut before we started dating. Like as in, the year we met, she had had sex with 14 random dudes in just that year. I learned it all because she kept a journal of it all, which I found. Things like meeting random guys on tinder, at hotel 6's, their house, her school dorm, parties whatever. She let some black dude at her school rail her at a frat party just to see what it was like to be with a black guy. She went to a frat party at different school and let 3 guys run a train on her.

Despite all this I convinced myself somehow that she was the one (mostly honestly at this point just because I didnt want to be alone anymore) but fast forward and we've been together for almost 2 years. Since I found that journal, our relationships been rocky, full of fights and nightmarish thoughts of her getting ploughed by black guys and trained by brothers at frat parties. Now in 2 weeks she graduates college and we're supposed to move together to where she's found her first real world job. I love her with all my heart, but these thoughts eat away at me daily and I feel like if I lose her, at this point in life, any other girl my age will be just as bad or even worse. Better the devil I know (and love) than the one I dont right? Sometimes I feel like I should just end it now (everything, not just being with her) so I could go while Im not alone and not have to deal with that pain again of losing someone I love, and saving myself the drama of trying to find someone at this point who's story isnt already written and can start one with me. I dont know what to do.

To anyone whos actually read my story this far, I thank and congratulate you. I know its a wall of text but like I said I just needed to tell someone and get everything off my chest and hope that maybe someone out their reading has anything to guide or help me.