I understand the nature of myself, life, men and women. I'm alone. No bond to anyone. I want an ideal of not being alone but when it comes to reality I'm actually not interested in bonding with people because I know what they are. I see the purpose behind every action, gesture, smile and interest and it feels bland and sometimes disgusting.

I have nothing to rely on like god, or my emotional investment in something external. I have goals, some of which are extremely ambitious. But they are unnecessary due to the nature of existence and my state of being like an island. I go between being committed to my mission and asking myself why live.

My conclusion is that life cannot be lived unless you lie to yourself. To live you have to delude yourself from death and conditions of existence. You have to be crazy and unreasonable to not want to end your life.

So I'm asking why do you keep going? What's the lie you tell yourself?