You're not nice

jb_trp · 2017-06-06T16:01:47+00:00

You're pretty new to TRP. I think sometimes the pendulum has a way of "swinging too far" before it finds a good balance. I probably had a string of 6-9 months there where I was still going throw the anger phase and other things where I was a little bit more unkind than I am now.

"Niceness" is not a good quality. Why? It's because "niceness" is transactional: You're being nice to people so that they like you. This is not how life should work, and it's certainly not a way to get women to like you. Instead, make decisions that you like, that make you proud of yourself. Sometimes this will mean being "selfish," sometimes you'll be altruistic, sometimes you'll be brutally honest to someone (and they'll say you're "mean"), but whatever choice you make, do it because it's the kind of man you want to be and that you're proud of yourself.

You need to reach a point where other people's affirmations mean nothing, because at they end of they day they do mean nothing. What really matters is do you affirm yourself? Do you affirm the decisions you make with your life and how you spend your time and energy? Because at the end of the day, you only have to answer to yourself and live with those decisions, and nobody else's opinions about you.

In life, some people will like you, some won't. It's okay. Treat others the way you want to be treated, but not in order to earn their favor. If you haven't yet, I'd suggest reading a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It's very good.

Self-Making · 2017-06-06T15:38:02+00:00

own it

Is a wolf "nice" when it finds it's prey? You just need to distinguish between your pack and your prey. Relax a bit with your friends, be ruthless when you're hunting

M1ster_X · 2017-06-06T15:43:32+00:00

If you're getting what you want out the deal, then who cares what other people think? You won't please all the people all the time, that's life. These people who're saying you're not nice are probably the ones who expect you to give in to their will, and now that you don't they're trying to regress you back with their disapproval.

Just think this, "what did being nice get me exactly?" The answer should be enough for you to ignore their statements and keep on doing you.

MrTheFalcon · 2017-06-06T21:14:29+00:00

I think I can help here. We're on similar paths. I am a recovering Nice Guy, white knight. I swung from overly nice, to selfish and demanding. When I dialed it back a bit, I started doing better.

For example, you meet a girl on the street. Instead of saying, "I'm taking you out. Meet at at this place, at this time". Try, "I'd like to take you out. How does that sound? Great, how does tonight work for you? Cool, let's meet at this place at this time".

You're still assertive, but you aren't being a bossy dick.

The real key for me has been really working on myself. Nice Guys are actually the worst kind of people. It hurts bad when you realize what you are. Lifting, reading, meditating, and being painfully honest with myself. - Letting go of anything I find myself attaching to.

Keep working on yourself (inner game) and your language and demeanor will even out automatically.

Auphor_Phaksache · 2017-06-06T16:07:49+00:00

I've been called boojie ever since I was a kid. That's a lot worse than not nice.

quicklogaccount · 2017-06-06T16:28:44+00:00

Is being described in this manner a concern?

It can mean you're being shamed into going back into acting as a "nice guy" or that you went too far on selfishness.
Anyway you don't have to bother a lot. If it's the second, you're bound to calibrate yourself soon enough, and if it's the first people will probably get used to you not being exploitable anymore.

Title	You're not nice
Author	crookshank2
Upvotes	3
Comments	18
Date	June 6, 2017 3:34 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/6fmiwb/youre_not_nice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/youre-not-nice.92194 https://theredarchive.com/post/92194

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