So, today what I thought was my ultimate fantasy happened, and honestly it was a huge disappointment.

I hadn't been out in a while, so I decided to go out to my favorite bar despite it being a Thursday. I arrive, sit down alone at a table and pretty soon some girl comes over and invites me to join her and her friends at their table. I shoot the shit with this group for a couple hours, then they gradually disappear. So I went mingling, by this point it was close to last call and relatively packed in this small bar. I ended up sitting and talking for half an hour to this girl I fancied. She was receptive but in the end I didn't go for a kiss or anything and her friend wanted to leave, so they did.

Now it was only about 15 minutes until the lights came on. I picked a random table and sat down alongside this Asian girl. We talked for maybe a quarter of an hour and then she invited me home, so I went. She looked average with her clothes on, but man, when they came off, she looked like a porn star. I thought this was my ultimate fantasy: random sex with a super hot girl I'd never met before. The definition of "getting lucky."

But try as I might, I just couldn't get into it. Eventually I decided "I need to go to sleep, either here or at home", and told her so. So now I had this 19-year-old Asian chick with a body to die for literally begging me to stay and fuck her. Like, she was literally grabbing hold of me to prevent me from leaving while whispering "fuck me, fuck me." But I just wasn't into it, as much as my body was attracted my mind wasn't there, so eventually I left.

I'm not saying this to brag. Quite the opposite. This was literally the second girl I've had sex with. The girl I lost my virginity to (less than 2 years ago) was one I had a lot in common with and we had a (short-lived) actual relationship.

I assume the reason I just couldn't get my mind in on the action is some kind of subconscious low self-esteem. Like, thinking that if some girl is into me, there's something wrong with her because I'm obviously a loser. These aren't thoughts that flow through my mind on a conscious level, but I think I have rather deeply ingrained low self esteem from years of depression and bullying.

Where do I go from here? I really had the opportunity of a lifetime thrown into my lap, I didn't have to do any work at all, I just happened to be at the right place at the right time... And I somehow self-sabotaged. Likely it will be a long time before I get the same opportunity again.

I don't believe that sex is somehow sacred and you need to have a deep emotional connection to do it or anything like that. But for some reason, the moment I actually have the opportunity to have sex with a 9/10 girl, my subconscious or whatever fucks things up for me.

Anyone had any similar experiences? Advice appreciated. (By the way, I've already spent years going down the therapy/drugs route and it hasn't made any meaningful impact on my self esteem or success with women.)