This was supposed to be short, and then it became long. Like a lot of my writing. Strap in.

People always ask me when it's okay and not okay to approach someone.

First, there is a situation for every setting where it's okay to approach. Don't let the dogma of "don't approach here or there," get to you.

THAT SAID, there are common situations and contexts where, if you approach during them, you will be MUCH more likely to be shot down, even if the girl may have found herself interested in you in other situations.

I never ask myself when it's okay to approach someone anymore, because it's reflex, and social instinct at this point, but if I had to express my thought process, here's how it goes:

  1. Am I OFFERING or TAKING value by approaching?
  2. If OFFERING, approach.
  3. If TAKING value, wait until a situation arises where I can offer value.

That sounds really vague and impractical. Let's do some case studies:

The gym, shared office, or the approachee's workplace

Everyone has an opinion about approaching at the gym/office/girl's workplace. I'm of the opinion that it's doable, but you've got to wait for the right time.

The right time can vary, and there's no rule for it. There may never really be a right time for most women in these settings. Most of the time, if you go the direct route in these places, you are interrupting her from something that ADDS VALUE to her life, and every second you are taking away from that value without replacing it, you are becoming less and less attractive, and more and more annoying.

This is why at the gym you would wait for something like time before an instructional class starts, or the time right after, or a water break, or something where both you and she are milling around and not doing something else. Saying hello at that time and striking up a conversation doesn't have to compete with other priorities. Same in the office. You can do this at a lunch break, or time between assignments, walking to the elevator.

This is also why if a woman is wearing headphones, sorry bud - but it's a huge sign of "I don't want to talk to anyone right now." Don't be mad because she's not feeling social.

If you're approaching a woman at her place of work, it's especially tricky because usually she's required to be nice to you, so there's almost no way that you can ask her for something without being a burden.

REMEMBER, even though you can get it done, it's bad strategy in general approaching in these places because it's like looking for water in a desert. You might find an oasis, but if you just move yourself to a river, there won't be a problem.

Don't be the try-hard who plans his day at the gym/office/etc around "finding the opportune moment to approach a woman." That's a scarcity mentality. There is abundance all around us.

Which brings me to my next point...

The bar, club, pub, being out

Even though the logistics here are tougher - more distractions, more people competing for attention, etc etc - I still think it's vastly easier to approach women in these settings because you can do the one-two punch of demonstrating value and approaching.

In the club, it's as easy as being seen having fun with fun people (your attractive group of mixed gender friends - get one of those, stat), and then striking up a conversation while waiting in line for the bathroom, at the bar, or whatever.

Remember, if the woman doesn't seem interested, you're starting to TAKE value from her as the conversation goes on. Don't waste time doing that. Add your value to someone who is receptive and will throw into the value pot with you. The good news is that in these settings, these people are everywhere.

The club, pub, and bars are not dead, my friends. Get out there.

Cold approaches

This is expert level shit. It's a thin line between saying hello to someone and making them feel really uncomfortable. Women have to deal with not knowing whether you're a creeper, and not being a creeper is an art.

The science behind that art, ultimately, is whether you are giving or taking value during an approach. No two approaches are the same in this context. There's no control variables. You don't know if a woman came from a funeral, or is going to an appointment, or whatever.

The best you can do is introduce yourself, QUICKLY gauge her level of comfort with you, and if the signs (body language, enthusiasm of response, eye contact, kino even?) are there, you can get a number to set something up later, or insta-date if both of you are free.

That said, the best time to do this is off work hours, because you're less likely to be holding someone up from something. After that, it's as simple as being polite and putting yourself out there. You're the product, and if she's looking to buy, she will quickly let you know. Pay attention.

Hobbies

This is honestly the best place to meet people that will be most receptive to you. If you do things like adult sports leagues, art classes, museum groups, rock climbing groups, or shit like that, you get to a) hone a craft and b) meet other people who are into that, and recognize the value you have for doing it.

I'm a dancer. I meet tons of other dancers through dance classes, performances, competitions, etc. We all share that passion, and I don't have to say shit about it to impress anyone because these people already see me in class doing my thing.

I still follow the same rules where I'm not interrupting someone's shit to say hello. I wait for the stretch breaks, the water breaks, the time before class, the time after class, but never any times where she's doing something that adds more value than I can replace in a short conversation.

Final remarks

You don't need to add a ton of value to get a number. Most value adding happens one-on-one on dates, where you can be fun and you're both focused on figuring each other out. This guide is just how to best get your foot in the door so you have access to that opportunity, without shooting yourself down because you went in and made yourself a burden.

Finally, ask yourself: what value do you add to people's lives? Are you fun? Do you have interesting things to say? Do you create something that others enjoy?

I'm not saying to build your life around other people's satisfaction - that's the sure way to unhappiness and feelings of isolation/being used.

However, if you're the one taking charge about meeting new people, it helps to have something to offer to break the ice. People with things to offer back will do so, and after that, it's your choice who you keep around.