I have a question that I’m not sure I want the answer to. But I’m gonna ask. So be gentle…but also honest.

I’m female in my late 30s. I have pretty much been a serial monogamist so never done a lot of dating. When I was single, I did pretty well on the apps. I’ve always been a little awkward in groups…I’m good and sociable in small groups but never felt very comfortable in clubs/bars. Also, I kind of made the mistake in my early 20s of mostly focusing on my bf and his friends and didn’t really have a friend group of my own. Nowadays I have a few close friends but we are older now so our hangouts are lower key.

I was always insecure bc, whenever I was in bars or out places, I never got hit on or had someone offer to buy me a drink. I didn’t hang out in those kind of places often but I never got any attention. I remember asking make friends why that was. They would say things like that I came across as shy or that I didn’t have the right vibe. But I always worried it was bc I just wasn’t pretty or thin enough.

I remember one time a few years ago. I had just started a new relationship (my current relationship) but I went to a wedding for a friend. I was all dressed up with hair, makeup, etc. I couldn’t have looked better honestly. We went to an “after party” at a dive bar. So here I am all dressed up in a bar where most everyone is in jeans. And I just kept waiting and hoping some guy would talk to me. I had a bf so I wouldn’t have done anything but I guess it was like a test. If someone doesn’t approach me when I am at my best…then I but just not be good enough. And no one talked to me.

In the way home I stopped to get gas and a random guy at the gas station told me I was beautiful…but that didn’t seem to count.

Anyway….I love my partner. But sometimes I think we aren’t going to work out. And I’m going to end up single I’m my late 30s. And if that happens…I’ll be out there again. And that scares me.

I guess what I’m asking is this. Were my friends just being nice to me back then when they said I just didn’t have the right vibe to get attention? Or was it just my looks the whole time that were the problem?