In 1983, Woody Allen released a movie called Zelig. Zelig is about Leonard Zelig, a guy with a weird mental condition, who, out of his desire to fit in and be liked, takes on the characteristics of strong personalities around him. When he is around rich Republicans he speaks with a rich-person accent and pretends like he votes Republicans, but when he gets around the caterers he speaks like a lower-class person and tells them he votes Democrat. When he is around the New York Yankees he pretends he is a baseball player, when he is around fat people he becomes fat, etc… You can watch the whole movie on Youtube and I definitely recommend it; it’s a great movie.

Zelig is a comedy (and a great movie), but the movie touches a deeper theme that is relevant to seduction: Zelig is a person who is completely outer-directed, whereas, for a person to be successful in social interactions they need to be at least somewhat inner-directed. An inner-directed person is one who is guided by one's own conscience and values rather than external pressures to conform. An outer-directed (or other-directed) personis guided by values derived from external influences. A group of sociologists, led by David Reisman, wrote a book in 1950 called The Lonely Crowd about how Americans were becoming more and more other-directed. As Reisman notes, “The other-directed person wants to be loved rather than esteemed", not necessarily to control others but to relate to them. Those who are other-directed need assurance that they are emotionally in tune with others. Here is another great article on inner v. other directed people: http://www.sciences360.com/index.php/are-you-inner-or-outer-directed-25442/.

My hypothesis is that a healthy personality will have a mix of these two traits, but to take the lead in social situations one must be slightly more inner-directed. When I first started going to clubs, I would psych myself out. I would compare myself to every guy there and think about whether I matched up (in looks, size, dressing ability, etc…). I would then think of every girl there and think about whether they would want to talk to me. Again, I gauged their age, looks, etc… I would then think about the venue and whether it was an appropriate place to approach girls, whether it was a party mood or a more lounge-y atmosphere, whether there was a celebrity or DJ there that everybody was focusing on, etc… After all that thinking, I had come up with about a million reasons to NOT approach. Even if I did approach, I did it on their terms, so I would try to talk about whatever the girl wanted, I would worry if they had a boyfriend, etc…

However, after becoming more inner-directed, I don’t think about those things at all. I just go out and do whatever I think is right. I’m a smart guy who has experience with social situations, so I know what is creepy and what isn’t – I don’t need anybody to tell me. I know that I am decent looking, dress well, and most importantly, I am very interesting and I have a great personality, once you get to know me. So fuck what anybody else thinks.

With an inner-directed mindset, instead of thinking about what the other guys look like, what the ratio of guys to girls is, what other people are doing, I am lost in my own world. When I am out I am thinking about my day, my work, my laundry, the piece of art I am working on, and the interesting books I am reading. I am really interested in Marxist economics and existential philosophy, but the writing is very thick and difficult to understand, so before I go out I read a short passage and I think about it when I am out. And when I talk to people, instead of trying to impress them or qualify myself to them I make it clear that I am only going to hang around if THEY say something interesting. Sure, I approach, but once I’m there I am not going to supplicate or try to curry favor. And if people reject me, I am so lost in my own world I barely notice.

Here is the truth: some girls just won’t like you. They only want a guy with big muscles, lots of money, a PhD in medieval literature, whatever. But the fact is 1) you can’t control any of that shit (at least in the short term) and 2) you have no idea what the particular girl you are talking to wants. So you might as well approach and do your best. And the only way you can do your best is by being inner-directed and confident. Your best may not be good enough, but you will never know if you don’t approach. There is no worse feeling than seeing a girl and not approaching her because you think she is too good for you, and later seeing her with a guy who is lamer than you.

One of the problems with human beings is that we will judge a book by its cover, because that is literally all we have to go on. When most guys see a girl, they make a snap judgment about her appearance, and decide whether they will talk to her or not (and oftentimes if you’re an AFC and she’s hot, you will just not approach because you think she is too hot for you). And if they do talk to her, they talk about something stupid like her appearance or the weather. But here’s the thing: girls are much more than just their appearance. Maybe that hot girl you want to approach is a math geek who is looking for somebody who is equally a math geek. Or maybe, even though she is wearing a hot minidress at a bar, her real passion is pursuing world peace. You don’t know anything about her - all you can see is her appearance. So your only option is to approach her and offer YOUR interests to her and then she can take it or leave it. Be inner-directed you make yourself the center of the conversation and let her make the choice.

The fact is that there are no rules in social situations. Everybody is trying to figure it out just like you are. The only difference is confidence – the people that feel confident make the rules for the interactions and everybody else goes along. If Jay-Z walked into a party and started talking about his favorite food, people wouldn’t be like “ewww, what is Jay-Z talking about?” They’d start talking about food too. That’s the difference between the alpha male and everybody else. The alpha is literally inner-directed (i.e., he does whatever the fuck he wants) and everybody else is other directed (i.e., they are just trying to make the alpha male happy). And girls are more afraid of rejection than guys are (that is why they never approach). Girls are often mostly inner-directed, but are looking to find a guy who will make them other-directed. They just need to find somebody that is fully inner-directed to direct them.

I’ve noticed that a lot of really confident people are kind of, well, stupid. They are socially unaware. They never remember people’s names, they don’t know what’s going on around them, they can’t tell if they are being a douche, etc… They are so self-absorbed and into themselves that they literally can’t tell what other people think of them. They are often loud, corny, and “too much.” This is because they are so self-absorbed and loving themselves that they don’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks. Of course, this is an unhealthy attitude to have about the world, but it is good to fake this attitude to overcome your initial social fear.

I know I am just saying “don’t give a fuck what people think” and you’ve heard that a million times. But I think that maybe the way to do this is to be wrapped up in yourself. As the philosopher Spinoza said “the only thing that can defeat an emotion is a stronger emotion.” In my words, “the only thing that can make you stop thinking about the other girls and guys in the club is thinking about yourself.”

I’ll end this article with a story:

There is a nightclub (let’s call it Jazzers) in my hometown that has a big party on Tuesday nights. It’s a very upscale crowd and about 80% black people. But on Jazzers’ Facebook page, when they post pictures of the party, the pictures are mostly of white people. Clearly, Jazzers wants to attract white people and not scare people off into thinking they attract a “hood” crowd. Well, one night I saw a super, super, hot girl (let’s call her Kelly) that was rejecting guys left and right. I had seen her in pictures on the Jazzers facebook page (she was in A LOT of the pictures, because she was super hot and white) so I went up to her to tell her how I thought Jazzers’ facebook page was racist. I thought she was way too hot (and tall) for me, so there was no point in approaching, but I had wanted to talk about how Jazzers’ Facebook page was racist, and she seemed as good a person as any to vent about this subject to. After a while, she tried to shift the conversation to how hot she was. She literally said “look at me, aren’t I cute”? (And yes, she was looking really hot). But I said “yeah you’re pretty, but what else do you have to offer?” And then she listed off her education, her accomplishments, etc… Then I asked “well where do you work?” After a pause, she responded, “I am in charge of social media for Jazzers.”

My jaw dropped. I had been calling the Jazzers Facebook page racist and this whole time, SHE WAS IN CHARGE OF THE JAZZERS FACEBOOK PAGE (looking back, it may have been a shit test, but if it was, she was damn good at it). I didn’t know how to react, and all I could muster up was “so this whole time we’ve been talking, I’ve been talking shit about your job”? She said “yes, but its not my fault, I don’t take the pictures.” Now, my old AFC self would have immediately backtracked and apologized, fearing that I would lose her. But instead I just looked her in the eye and said “well, whoever is in charge of posting those pictures is racist.” Then I walked away.

The next Tuesday I went to Jazzers and I saw Kelly there. Of course, I didn’t think she wanted to talk to me because I had called her racist the other night. But, strangely, she walked up to me and tried to strike up a conversation. Just to set the stage, imagine a super night-scale nightclub with a super hot blonde at a VIP table surrounded by rich guys, leaving the table and walking up to a guy shorter than her standing by himself at the bar. There is no happy ending to this story. I just smiled and nodded and walked away. I just couldn’t handle the weirdness. But looking back I realize that I held my frame, stayed inner-directed, and made the conversation about what I wanted it to be about (Jazzers being racist) rather than what SHE wanted it to be about (her being hot).

Go to my blog (currently under construction): http://www.playersjourney.net.