I am so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

My first day of trying to reach my goal.

Ive decided that i want to dedicate myself to become a high rank player in the 'game'. My goal of course is going to be very very difficult for me as i have garbage social skills and awareness, plus i don't think i'm very attractive, i'm slightly overweight and i have general features that i am not happy about what soever.

However, i wont let this discourage me, Im 17 years old and after watching some pick up videos for a couple weeks i've decided that i don't want to become a 40 year old, cynical virgin, who stays in my room for months at a time. The thought of turning into something like that is terrifying. Which is why i would like to share my experiences and journey with others who are interested, i'm not a good writer, but along the days as i do this more and more often hopefully these 'entries' can become more entertaining and thought provoking.

My first day got off to a pretty awful start, i had assignments i had to finish so i didn't go to bed until about 2;30 in the morning. It then took me another hour or so to get to sleep because i was too stressed out. However a part of me feels as though because i was tired throughout all of today it was easier for me to talk more than usual. Almost as if i was drunk, because thats what alcohol does to your brain, its a depressant so it slooooows everything down.

I started my first class with one of my female peers greeting good morning to a friend and i, i was shitting myself when i said good morning back, i swear i could see a moment of surprise when she noticed i said good morning back, as in normal situations i would have said nothing, or nodded. My heart was pumping but as soon as i said it i wasn't really talked to again for the rest of the lesson.

We then had a type of assembly after that, i spent that time with my friend, trying to goof of and be more expressive. It seemed like the more expressive i was the more he started to like me more and genuinely wanted to talk to me. Sometimes i struggle with this particular friend. As in sometimes i wonder if he even wants to be my friend and even know me. Im looking forward to future interactions.

After that i had a class with some of my female 'acquaintances' , i tried to be more expressive and somehow after that class, at lunch at my locker one of those girls was more passionate towards me, like they were playful.... i feel like such a beta cuck being excited at the fact that "Omg she poked me! Physical touch holy shit!!!" i want to neck myself.

I basically did more of the same for the rest of the day, as the day went on however i tried being introspective and asking myself questions about when would be a good time to talk to a random girl. For example i was walking behind some of my female classmates while leaving a class and they were having a conversation about future careers. I wanted to give her a compliment and say that i thought she would be suited to that. But then through my mind i said, "Why would i ask her that? Whats the point of talking to her, i don't want to bother her."

It was quite interesting, this makes me wonder as well if i should still approach women when they are in the middle of a conversation with someone else. Is it ok? as the day went on i felt like i was getting a bigger head and it was hard to calm down. I was saying useless shit in front of my friends which just ended up getting me weird looks and awkward laughs.

I need to learn better control of myself

I do feel like i'm getting an understanding of how to be more sociable. But i don't think i truly got out of my comfort zone today. I think tomorrow i'm going to try say good morning to random students as i pass by them.

Im going to try and become more active and lose this extra weight i don't need, while improving my game of course. But the more i think about it the more i wonder what exactly i want from these girls. Do i just want sex, do i just want social ability to basically do anything? Should i pursue a relationship in what little time i have left?

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Ill make another post tomorrow detailing my experiences and my thoughts. You don't have to follow along if you want, you can read it and give me some advice or you can keep scrolling, at the end of the day these posts are made more for me. I want to be able to look back in a year and say "You've progressed, you've made accomplishments, be proud of yourself for once".