Maybe this is a rant, maybe it's crazy sober ramblings poorly constructed but it's the best I can do for the time being.

*Bear in mind I said sex obsessed, not sex addicted or porn addiction.

I don't consume crazy amounts of porn anymore, or masturbate 10 times a day. But my mind is constantly thinking about wanting to have sex with young beautiful women (just my preference) and I want to explore my sexual fetishes/fantasies/etc but no doubt my social anxiety stops me from pursuing it which means every time I step outside and am confronted by the world I retreat from social interactions. I put all this pressure on myself that I'm some kind of monster if I talk to girls, knowing that for the most part I'm interested in having sex with them. Not to mention that creates this "artificial persona" that tries to win them over rather than just being an authentic version of myself.

There's no doubt some of these feelings are that I want to feel like a stud, and that I never really got to pursue my hedonistic tendencies when I was younger due to my SA and feelings of isolation and being misunderstood.

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I definitely feel I should be more authentic, honest with who I am, my intentions, passions and interests, but like, where am I meant to be allowed to do that? On the street, in the library, at work (definite no-no), at an orgy, at the gym, in a cafe, at a friend's house, etc...

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I hit the gym quite a bit but I'm pretty certain going up and hitting on girls there and being direct with my intentions won't generate positive results. Nor do I enjoy going out trying to meet people in bars and nightclubs. It's far too much visceral and auditory stimulation so I struggle to keep my thoughts in order and for the most part feel very overwhelmed. What else? Dive into the alternative lifestyle of the porn world. That's not really me either. I don't want to be a "porno" kind of person hanging around orgies and stuff. I just want to feel OK with pursuing a young attractive women for sex and intimacy whenever I want.

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I feel like it takes quite a bit to share this openly with all you on here but I wouldn't be surprised if quite a few of you can at least empathise with my situation because you might feel the same with your wants, needs and desires.

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Worst of all, I don't really enjoy meeting new people in general, certainly not random strangers, especially if I have to initiate. It puts me in a bad headspace, makes me feel nervous, awkward and creepy and then I generally come across as nervous awkward and creepy. Worst of all is being hard to get - where you ignore her, neg her and act like you don't even like her and worst of all is the mentality of people who have replaced the woman with the word bitch. I can't stand that kind of behaviour, even though it works. It makes me lose respect for men who do it and women who gravitate towards it. It's not a part of my behaviour I want to cultivate.

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I just don't get why I guilt myself and avoid doing what I want. Pornographers pursue any hot girl they see, but I make myself feel like I don't even deserve to say hi to that pretty girl passing me on the street merely because I'm mostly saying hi on the off chance we might hit it off and sleep together.

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Anyways, that's a wrap on this post. I look forward to hearing any and all comments and suggestions and hope others might feel the same way (it's always nice to not feel alone in your thoughts) and I will appreciate and consider everyone's suggestions but can we perhaps avoid the whole: "try talking to people without sex as the end goal" suggestion. I understand that's something I should do and I'm working on it but that would be inauthentic of me if the only reason I am talking to someone is because I want to have sex with this person.