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[–]ResponsibilityFit719 10 points11 points12 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
The fact that you are getting a first and second date can probably assure you that your attractiveness isn’t the issue here. Can you think of some repeating pattern in, or elaborate more about these dates? Did they seem to be enjoying themselves throughout the dates? Have they been enthusiastic to set up new dates, or was it something you were pushing more towards? Also which one of these scenarios is closer to reality: - Was everything going great from the time you began talking up until after second date, when she unexpectedly refused to see you further? - Or did it seem like things were going downhill and the second date was sort of like a ‘one last chance’?
not trying to make any rude assumptions. just to putting things in a different light, maybe it helps
[–]suxinshin 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for the reply.
I wouldn’t think my second dates are a result of a pity “one last chance” deal because they are usually first to text that they had a great time and want to do it again after the first. We also tend to hook up on the first or second date and then comes the not feeling it text.
although some do feel broad when attempting to set up a second date. I just think my second dates all end up with me being content with the direction, less challenging of them and thinking i have won. then i get a reality check when they don’t want to continue dating.
thoughts? should i just be more hard to win over the whole time? do i let them win at all? I want to be more vulnerable because it’s authentic to me but if women can’t handle that i guess i should hide it.
[–]ResponsibilityFit719 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
I agree and sympathize with your instinct of being vulnerable and open because: 1. it is healthy to show your inner persona 2. i feel like it’s contagious and can make the other person open up in the same fashion, which leads to building connection faster. Now the downside is this trap that I’m probably falling into as well… while (2.) seemed to work out a lot of times, it can make you look needy under the bad circumstances (which can be many)
I think being hard to win is a good point and I should implement it myself. Only now do I realize that maybe it would’ve been of help when I found myself in similar situations.
And being harder to win actually aligns with the idea of making her feel like she has a mission to accomplish yet, so she’d want to meet again
[–]suxinshin 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I understand what your saying and i wish i could just be more open and vulnerable…
I will say I have never been ghosted after these dates. I say this cause i think they have a high amount of comfortability with me.
I wont be as vulnerable and I will implement more challenging and hard to win in my game and report back. thanks for the response. onward and upward.
[–]bigmanpav 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I have a similar issue, but I think it's an issue related to showing needy or desperate behavior. It's not a physical attraction thing as they met you and wanted to go out again, but it could be a vibe you may be giving off.
A second date is a lot of pressure. See what you can do to turn this pressure down.
I'm struggling with this myself, but sometimes it helps to date multiple girls (even on the same night), make a list of your ideal qualities in a partner and notice that these girls aren't perfect, etc. Good luck!
I do allow myself to be more vulnerable on the second date but i don’t give them everything… I like the list idea, i will give that shot. Thanks for the reply. Good luck to you as well!
[–]labyrinthlilith 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I’m prob gonna get downvoted first this but oh well.. if they’re hooking up with you on the 1st or 2nd date, they may not be looking for a relationship or to settle down. I’m not saying that in a slut shaming way either. From my own personal experience and my gfs, I realized I don’t enjoy sex with someone I don’t know very well. Mostly because it usually sucks 😂 you don’t know each other well enough and aren’t usually comfortable enough to communicate your turn ons and relax enough to fully enjoy the act of sex. Most women that I know have almost always walked away from casual sexual encounters feeling extremely disappointed. I am not at all saying this was the case for you! Just explaining why I believe things fizzle quicker if you hookup before getting to know someone a little better. It leaves nothing more to the imagination and you haven’t spent long enough to really be invested in the other person so it’s easier to just find someone new/more exciting.
Also, how would you describe these sexual encounters? Are you being pushy at all? Does sexual stuff come up in conversation a lot or through text?
[–]suxinshin 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
I don’t think it has anything to do with them wanting or not wanting relationship and when we have sex tbh. I say this because we talk about what we are looking for to begin with.
I will say that they are probably leaving the encounter with not the greatest enthusiasm about the sex… Just because i can’t seem to land anything long term enough to really practice sex regularly enough. I do focus on her always…
I never bring up sex in my conversation or text. Right before we’re about to have sex I ask them if this okay for consent. It just happens. Sex is never my aim of my interaction either. I think it would be alot easier of a solution if the sex was the problem. However, majorly i think it’s something with my needyness and over compensation coming through the longer the interactions goes on. my inability to challenge her and i give her everything i got. the chase is over for her essentially. no mystery.
thanks for your response.
[–]labyrinthlilith 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Would you like to elaborate on what you mean by your neediness and overcompensation? If you’d like to discuss it in depth, feel free to dm.
And I will say this.. sex isn’t necessarily something you have to practice to be good at. When most men think about sex, they seem to automatically relate sex to ejaculation. Men are so focused on the end goal of getting off, that they miss out on the best part.. the lead up to getting off. The physical act of sex shouldn’t be so focused on ejaculation but more so about the full experience. Flirting, laughing, touching, kissing, oral, teasing one another.. that way, by the time you make it to entering her she’s raring to go and can’t wait to feel you.
A guy can come in a matter of minutes. It takes him no time to get hard, pump a few times and dump and it’s over. There’s nothing fun about that for a woman. Most men don’t realize this because porn has convinced them that women can come in 2 minutes too! Porn has convinced them that you just stick it in and she’s going to be so overwhelmed with ecstasy that she’s gonna squirt all over you. And that’s just nowhere near realistic.
You sound like you understand women more than a lot of people on this sub. So, I would definitely like to hear you expand on the neediness and overcompensation if you feel comfortable.
[–]suxinshin 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
The neediness is something I have identified and have been working on for a long time. It’s still a point because even though i don’t show it by over texting/calling any more like i use to, it still eats me up inside waiting for her to text back and wondering what the dynamic of the relationship is going to look like next. “am i being ghosted, lied to, led on, has she found someone better”.i don’t know how to trust her so by time our next interaction happens i’m already a state of mess and happy to just be there. then i start over compensating on qualifying myself to her, saying yea im good enough when i should not give a fuck, it’s only the second date. It’s easier to write than to do…
I like your points sex being goal orientated. i have personally struggled with porn addiction and am slowing fixing this. I will say the foreplay is what i’m good at and can get women off while i’m usually left blue balled lol. They always seem very eager to get in bed so whenever we start going i can see where penetration sex is a bit disappointing for them. Penetrative sex is something i’m working on.
thanks for your kind words, i value your perspective a lot
[–]labyrinthlilith 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You sound like you’ve done a lot of work and seem to understand yourself very well. This is HUGE. Lol.. I’m not even kidding. It’s hard for most people, and especially men, to put forth the effort to analyze themselves enough to pinpoint or admit to a possible character flaw. The fact that you’ve already done this and are actively working on it says so much about the kind of person you are.
It sounds like you’re also struggling with issues surrounding your self worth. You gotta flip this thought process around! Recognize that YOU are attractive and capable and have a lot to offer someone. If that’s not something a girl can see and she ghosts you, you’re better off anyways because- do you really wanna be with a girl that doesn’t view you as something special? Do you wanna be with a girl that’s only partly invested in you or the relationship? Definitely not. You’re better off single than dealing with a woman like that. Trust me. 😂
Sit down and think hard about all of the positive qualities about yourself. Are you funny? Are you kind? Do you have good hair? Nice teeth? Strong arms? What kind of stuff do you like to do for fun? What are you good at? Are you creative? Your communication skills are top tier so that needs to be added to the top of the list. Communication and connection is huge when it comes to women. If a man can communicate or teach me something and hold a good conversation, I’ll fall for him hook, line and sinker every single time.
Men don’t put enough effort or emphases on the importance of GOOD, DEEP conversation. Women need an emotional connection most of the time, in order to get fully invested. Don’t text too much. It makes ghosting someone a lot easier. Limit texting and have phone convos or video chat. Save the stuff you’d talk about over text, for in person convos!
[–]suxinshin 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You’re not wrong at all. My self worth has been tied to girls for along time. everything i do is for women at the end of the day. I will say my interactions today are far better than I could have even imagined a couple years ago. I couldnt escalate, show intention, or display value. so i am proud of my growth there. It’s just at the end of the day i want to know i’m good enough. that i can do it too. not be on the outside looking in.
Yeah this is the main point of the last woman i went out with. Our first meeting she was all over me by yhe end. We were walking after getting drinks and i would pull away and she would jump to get back under my arm. qualifying herself, saying that she wasn’t talking to anyone. The escalation were solid through the whole night. make outs, ass grabs. everything seems great. even text me first after. saying how much she enjoyed it and set up the next meeting. The next date was a 7 hour adventure road trip. she started off by telling me what she was looking for and vice versa. we smoked weed. did some hiking it was great. then just today i get a text saying that she had another guy she was seeing and she felt they had a deeper connection… i couldn’t believe it. 2nd part of her text: “I’m going with who I’ve felt the most connected with. Nothing that you have done and not saying that I wasn’t feeling anything with you but this is just what I feel would be best for me. Thank you for respecting my decision.” I can’t make this shit up. So unlucky. What conversation topics do you make to establish deeper connections. we talking about so much stuff i thought… i am becoming jaded and resentful at this point.
I will use your techniques to get myself out of this looping self doubt circle. I really appreciate you and your advice. Don’t feel the need to keep responding 😂 i feel like i should pay you for this .
[–]labyrinthlilith 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well, I’d chalk that last one up to her fucking it up. Doesn’t sound like anything you did. I wouldn’t go on a 7 hour road trip date unless I was really feeling the guy. So, you’re obviously good on that end. It sounds like she may have had feelings for a fwb or something and while she was into you and liked you, she was using you in an attempt to get him to commit while keeping you as a backup. (I just blew my own mind by figuring that shit out lol.. but that’s what I’d bet money on is what happened!)
Anyways, I’m happy I could help! I love psychoanalyzing people 😂 I have read and studied a good bit on that sort of thing. I also enjoy learning about other people and their life experiences, so what better way for me to quench that thirst than on Reddit?! 🤓😆 I am gonna follow you tho so I can keep up with your posts and I’m cheering for your progress!
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh dear. Women are using you for sex. Cry me a river :)
Also, it's online dating. The modus operandi for online dating is ONS.
But seriously - this is a good problem to have. Women do enjoy casual sex. Reason is that once you've spunked your load, then repeated sexual encounters basically mean nothing. She's supposedly pregnant at this time (human body doesn't recognise contraception), and then goes off to find a provider.
That's where she does you a favour and lets you go off to find other women.Aren't women great!?
It's actually women who repeatedly come back and have sex with you and want to go on dates that are aiming for a relationship -> marriage. Although they're willing to drag that out for as long as it takes until they get bored or find a provider if you're not going to play the "role" of future husband. You can plate spin them.
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
stfu bot
[–]GordonGecko69 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
How do the 1st and 2nd dates go? There is clearly something you are doing not your looks.
[–]suxinshin 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I wish i could just say that they went bad but from my point of view i think they’re fine. okay. magical? maybe not. my first dates are usually great. they tell me they have a great time and would love to do it again. they even set the next one up.
somewhere along the line I get complacent and run out of ammo.
[–]GordonGecko69 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It sounds like you are not interesting. Not talking shit. Just being straight to the point. Maybe you are choosing boring dates. Maybe your conversation game is lacking. Maybe you’re too clingy. Maybe you follow up too quick and too often. Women want a dude who is interesting and exciting.
[–]suxinshin 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
yeah i can’t agree with this one lol. im never short on stories and sharing my experiences. i have a lot of hobbies that women can relate to and an interesting job. there is never unintentional silence.
the clingyness and follow up is something i could work on. thanks
[–]Sup3rHD 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Maybe you are a nice guy
not it
What’s up man, be wary of reddit threads especially on this sub reddit as alot of the people commenting are trolls and some just give really bad, manipulative and disingenuous advice.
I definitely sympathize with your situation as I am in the same boat. It really sucks because i can tell you genuinely want a great connection and your intentions are pure. I don’t think it’s anything we are doing wrong to be completely honest. I do think women are not fitting into the roles of women of the past. they are getting more masculine to say the least. I hear countless times that it’s “hot girl summer” and things that empower women to go out and explore their sexuality more and not be tied down. this with the nature of online dating, there’s always another option a swipe away for them. making it really easy for women to step from latter to latter with their hand always on another guy.
All we can do is keep in mind our worth and not let any one tip our intrinsic value as a man. read through the comments on this post with u/labyrinthlilith i really liked her advice.
Good luck with everything man!
[–]Top-Cabinet-2016 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Either you’re an an asshole or you’re just ugly af but hung???? 🧐
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