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[–]james-robertson 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like your mind gets into a groove that it's travelled many times before and you can't get out of it.
My biggest recommendation would be to get real therapy.
As well as that, see if there's a way to get affection without slipping onto that track. Maybe get a cuddle buddy, so you know there's nothing larger to mess up? Do they have cuddle parties near you?
Try meditation as well - watch your mind fall into the track, observe it, realise what is happening, but keep a part of yourself just watching.. Then you can work on changing the track, or rejecting it, or ignoring it.
Good luck!
PS - you sound vulnerable, so make sure any women you let in are good people. A close friend or therapist can help with this.
[–]Goofydoodle 9 years ago [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
I would agree that a therapist is my course of action at this point, I feel like I'm close to exhausting what I can do for myself. I also completely agree that I am vulnerable, although I'm surprised you were able to pick that up in such a small post. I've been told before that this might be caused by a damaging experience earlier in life, I can't think of anything in particular though. Thanks for your answer.
[–]james-robertson 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
You're already doing well, you've figured out what the problem is, which is half the battle.
Keep working at it, and each time you get to the stage where you start to fall into the negative thoughts watch what happens and learn to put it off for a little bit longer. If you can improve just the tiniest bit each time you'll get to where you want to be.
Remember that it's OK to fuck up, it's part of the learning process. EVERYONE here has fucked up a whole heap before they got anywhere.
So what's the next step for you? Have you made a shortlist of therapists? Have you got someone you hid from that you can text and ask how their day was?
[–]Goofydoodle 9 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
I don't know how to get a therapist, I live in the U.K. Anything done through the doctor is free and pretty unhelpful. I'm also struggling with the idea that my housemates would know that I'm going to a therapist. Again I know this is distorted, insecure behaviour and that's not me. I can't help but feel that things are pretty bleak right now.
[–]james-robertson 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hi GD, how's your week been?
Don't worry about your housemates, they won't know unless you tell them.
If your doctor's free options aren't working for you, many private places have sliding scales if you're not earning money. Try a few different options - different people and different methods, see what works for you and what doesn't and keep doing the things that work.
Really that's the whole key of this whole community - try things that you wouldn't normally do, see what works and keep doing that.
In the meantime - how would you feel about just getting a little bit close to a girl, but not letting it get more serious? Maybe it would take the pressure off, and then when you can handle that you can let yourself get a tiny bit closer, but still not serious. If you keep doing that, your problem should be solved.
This stuff isn't rocket science - you know where you want to get to, you know where you are now, just practise the next tiny little baby step & repeat until you're happy with your situation.
[–]Goofydoodle1 point 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Hey, thanks for asking. I'm feeling a lot better this week, I have started online therapy as a way to privately talk to a counceller perhaps as a way to build myself up to the real thing I don't know. The most of my recent progress has actually come from reading models by mark Manson, his chapters on neediness actually describe and explain a lot of the issues that I talked about in my post. I appreciate you checking up on me, I'm in a mindset of improvement right now and I feel hopeful which is as good as its been in a while. :)
[–]yummbeary 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Have enough other attractive girls, so that you rather don't want to get more serious and she has to convince you. 👍🏻👍🏻
[–]Goofydoodle 9 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh? That's an interesting thought. However i wouldn't like to put her off though by showing that Im looking for other girls. I feel like this is the sort of girl who would simply move on if she saw that I wasn't invested. You know the sort of stage where you're not really in a relationship but wouldn't get with someone else?
[–]yummbeary 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is not true. Pre-selection is pretty much the strongest attraction factor as long as you don't flaunt it.
You don't have to tell her that you are seeing other girls, but she will ask at some point. Then, you can say:"oh I'm not sure right now, I've only known you for 2 weeks now!" She will probably ask you, are you seeing someone else? "Yeah, right now I'm just going with the flow". Say it nice and respectfully and let her have to really work to find out.
If you tell too much, yoi will come off as a douche. If you're being really discrete about it, she will see you as the absolutely most valuable male out there. :)
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[–]james-robertson 1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]Goofydoodle [recovered] (4 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Goofydoodle [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Goofydoodle1 point [recovered] | Copy Link
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[–]Goofydoodle [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]yummbeary 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link