What’s up fellas?

Here’s the story: I was out of town for a concert last night and decided to try to meet some girls after the show. I figured that in the worst case I’d embarrass myself in front of people hundreds of miles from home, and in the best case I’d get to take a girl back to my four-square-foot Airbnb with burgundy walls. Spoiler: didn’t have sex in an Airbnb.

There was really only one interaction worth writing about, which gave me a great opportunity to try out some strategies I’ve read about and refine some of my own. It also really clarified a sticking point that I’ve been consistently hitting regarding escalation. I’ve known that I’m missing some piece, but I don’t think I understood it until last night. But we’ll get to that soon.

I spent the time before/during the intermission/after the show walking around trying to meet girls, with little success. I got to a point where people were so unwilling to engage and I cared so little that I’d say random nonsense to random girls for no reason. It was fun but not exactly conducive to pickup.

I also, embarrassingly, wasted about 45 minutes looking for my car after the show, half-drunk, asking strangers for directions while running in circles around the arena and in and out of parking garages until I finally found it. I should also mention that I was pretty peacocked–I wore a very flamboyantly colored windbreaker over a button-down with too many buttons undone (I didn’t grow this chest hair to cover it up,) rainbow socks and a white beret. I know you guys are skeptical of the old-school peacocking thing, but fuck you, I like it.

The Approach

The point of that exposition is that after running around looking like a total fool for almost an hour, I didn’t give much of a fuck about anything. Once I found my car I cleaned up by putting on deodorant and dry shampoo, then headed off to a bar that somebody had told me about. I saw three cute girls standing outside, and right away said ‘is this where the party’s at?’ which I stole from The Game. Sue me.

The cutest blondest girl told me yes, so I smiled, thanked her and walked in. I’ve been smiling a lot more since I finally went to the dentist and got a cleaning for the first time since before the pandemic. I didn’t realize that I was insecure about my smile until I got a cleaning. Hygiene, fellas, hygiene!

The peacocked outfit was an immediate hit and got me lots of attention, and between that and my natural charisma (I’m giving myself credit, fuck you) I won over two seperate groups of people. One girl started touching my windbreaker, and then pulled back and asked if I was okay with people touching me. I said ‘as long as it’s you!’ which was a totally off-the-cuff flirt that made me feel like I might actually be able to do this pickup thing. I would have pat myself on the back if she didn’t hit me–playfully!

I decided to focus up when the cute blonde girl from outside walked in and, by pure luck she was part of one of the friend groups I had infiltrated. I smiled at her, she smiled back and checked me out–first time I ever noticed a girl do that–and I knew it was on. I merged the two sets like I’d done it a thousand times (I haven’t,) ignored her for a second to keep her keen, then started talking to her a little bit as the two groups I merged started to break off.

I’ve had a lot of struggles ‘isolating the target’ as they say, because I can’t bring myself to say something like “your friend and I like each other, is that okay with you guys? I’ll bring her back soon.” I can’t tell if I just don’t have the balls to say it or if it’s really as cringey as I think it is. Anyway, I’ve come up with something that works better for me and is simpler: “I can barely hear you, come over here.” It just usually works, I dunno.

I put some distance between us and the group and we started flirting. I deliberately avoided boring everyday topics and tried to talk about emotions and feelings and stuff. Lots of kino–which I’ve always been nervous about–but she just let me touch her as much as I wanted. It was nuts. She was telling me about how she likes plants and vines, and I ran my fingers all over her while I talked about how vines cover everything. I half-expected her to slap me but she was giggling like a schoolgirl. I experimented with some push-pull type lines like “jigsaw puzzles are kind of an elderly hobby for such a cute girl." Again, off-the-cuff, kudos to me.

Then the conversation stalled and I fucked it up. This is the sticking point I referred to earlier. It seems to me like a pickup has several stages:

  1. Approach her
  2. Get her interested
  3. Isolate her
  4. Build comfort/rapport
  5. ????
  6. Seal the deal

What, fellas, is the mystery step? I feel like it’s some kind of escalation that I’ve been too nervous to do. I should have kissed her, but for some reason, I started to actually care. Some kind of scarcity/fear of rejection/shmuck programming that I had overridden until that point seemed to kick in–I guess I was thinking ‘I’ve never gotten this far, I can’t afford to fuck it up, what if she doesn’t kiss me back, etc.’ I didn't want to stick around and bore her, plus the bar was closing, so told her that I was leaving. She was actually visibly disappointed, which I didn’t expect, but I will be sure to remember it next time I’m nervous about making a move.

Regardless, I left in a good mood. I consider this a big step, and I learned a lot.

What I did right:

  • Peacocking! It’s controversial but I’m the kind of guy who likes wearing ridiculous clothes, anyway. It’s like an opener without having to open!
  • I got myself into a really good ‘don’t give a fuck’ state of mind which served me well
  • I approached the girl outside and then continued our conversation inside later. I think the fact that I met her twice made her more comfortable
  • Successfully merged sets for the first time
  • Successfully isolated a girl
  • Experimented with push-pull, which I’m realizing works and is fun
  • Got over my fear of nervousness around kino escalation and touched her a lot
  • Strayed away from boring conversation topics that have sabotaged me in the past

What I could have done better:

  • I did mention my own job and a few boring things about myself, and I could sense her pulling away. I quickly got off the topic, but I’m really starting to think that it’s best to talk about myself as little as possible and keep the conversation on the girl, trying to generate positive emotions. The success I have had talking about myself is when I talk about the wildly ambitious goals I have. I’m gonna host the Tonight Show one day, so remember my name, fellas! Well, this name is a pseudonym I stole from a mob movie, but I’ll be sure to make some kind of subtle reference so you guys know it’s me. Keep your eyes peeled.
  • I’m getting stuck in between building comfort and closing. It’s part nervousness and part not knowing what exactly to do. I remember that I started thinking that she was out of my league, uninterested, etc. In hindsight, she was definitely super interested. I have countless examples of times I didn’t realize a girl was into me until later, I just need to keep those examples in mind next time I’m having doubts.

Conclusion

There were a few major takeaways from this experience.

First: it’s important to get into the right state of mind. I got there last night because I was alone, but it can be really hard to get there when I go out with my introverted friends. Not sure how to work around this.

Second: I’m a lot more capable than I tend to believe that I am. Because of my insecurities, it’s hard for me to admit good things about myself, but you know what? I’m a fun guy. I’m charismatic and I have a pretty quick wit when I’m not all in my head. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me.

Third: Flirting is fun! It’s easy to lose sight of that with too much strategy and analysis, but I have better interactions when I’m in the moment and having fun. What we seem to need is a balance between theory and action, and I’ve gone too far on both sides of the spectrum. I’m slowly finding the ideal middle ground. As much time as I’ve sunk into pickup material, I’m starting to realize that maybe I need to err on the side of fun.

Questions:

When you’re going out with friends who aren’t into approaching, how do you get yourself and keep yourself in the right state of mind? Too many times, I’ve seen an opportunity to approach that I just didn’t take advantage of because I knew my introverted friend(s) would get mad at me if I left them sitting awkwardly alone.

What is the missing Step 5 in my process? What do I do to pump the gas on a flirty conversation to finally close? In The Game, Style uses phase-shift routines, but that just seems so heavy-handed in 2022. Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and try? When I get that far along in an approach I start to get worried about fucking it up, but if I think about it logically, it doesn’t matter. If I get timid I’ll fuck it up for sure, so taking a risk is the only thing that can reduce my chance of fucking it up. Hmmm, interesting breakthrough.

Regardless, I'd love feedback on this stuff! Let me know what you think!

-Charlie