Note: I originally published this on the Socialite Magazine newsletter, but I'll continue to post the articles here for your usage. Enjoy and AMA!

I received this question via email about how to get out of the friendzone. I was chatting with one of my “natural” friends about the question yesterday and he mentioned that he NEVER has this problem anymore.

Meaning, this issue is easy to overcome and within your grasp you master.

Let me share the answer with you. And from there, I’ll share the conversation with my buddy (we recorded it) because there’s some gold in there.

Here’s the question I received via email:

I’m living in a big European city and as you probably know, there are dozens of pretty women / 10’s when you come to the bigger city. The problem is, is that I’m getting friendzoned by most of them, especially the ones I desire the most and connect with on a deeper level. I don’t know how to connect with these “10´s”. I’m the guy who always knows the best restaurants, can make every occasion a little bit more enjoyable by bringing board games, telling jokes, or cooking a delicious meal. I´m pretty confident that I have a great charisma hence I´ve been the president of my study association (something like a fraternity), but the problem is, is that it’s a friendly and not a sexy charisma.

The interesting part of “success with women” is that you can be a highly successful man in other aspects of life… And STILL, struggle with dating! You can be the President of your Fraternity, be funny, and have generally-good-confidence. But if you’re missing some of these key characteristics I’m about to mention, none of it matters.

It’s a communication style that requires practice and intentionality if you want to dominate and win every time (just as interview skills take practice or winning a negotiation takes rehearsals).

Getting friend-zoned can come down to many things. Perhaps too many to list in a single email.

But here are my thoughts on getting friend-zoned and how to avoid it…

  1. You're ugly, drastically out of shape, and unhygienic. Women don't place as much EMPHASIS on physical appearances as men do, but that doesn't mean you should look like a slob. Follow my buddy Manny on Twitter for more on this. He's the go-to expert. His Twitter username is @WellBuiltStyle.
  2. More important than looks is your ability to express yourself truthfully and face uncomfortable truths FEARLESSLY. Not just in dating… but in LIFE! What a lot of men do is "pussyfoot" around a serious topic or serious question. They're afraid of being brutally honest with their desires or attraction. Top casanovas understand how to express their interest. As a confident man, you should have no issue giving someone positive or negative feedback. Never be afraid to face the truth head-on. A lot of guys are intimidated by it. Be willing to face discomfort and be okay with it. Facing "uncomfortable truths" in Life makes a lot of people squeamish. What are the uncomfortable truths you’ve been avoiding or failing to address in your own life? Seriously, take the time to ponder this question and you’ll understand the message behind this bullet point.
  3. Zero "game". You don't know how to flirt, you don't know how to tease, and you don't know how to play with chemistry or sexual tension. You get nervous holding strong eye contact with a woman. Or the idea of approaching and flirting makes you sweat bullets. Guys with zero “game” tend to be overly logical. They ask too many questions (they treat dates like interviews). They're uninteresting and bland. This happens to me when I work 4-5 days straight without talking to anyone -- I hit the nightclub still talking in my professional tonality and business-speak (it’s as if I forget how to be fun and social, and I have to snap myself out of it). It's all about coming into an interaction with a fun, playful, confident, self-deserving vibe.

Attaining dating success takes a unique cocktail of personality characteristics. As does business success, right? In business, it pays to be confident, direct, concise, customer-oriented, professional, and timely.

But in dating, it's different. You have to be confident. You also have to be a little bit of a "jerk" or bad-boy with a playful, yet harmless tonality. All while being courteous, chivalrous, well-mannered, and well-spoken. It's this combination that makes you interesting. Take away some of these characteristics and your ability to seduce becomes limited.

But, MOST importantly, more important than ANYTHING I just mentioned…

…Is the worldview you hold about yourself, what you deserve, and how much FREEDOM you give yourself to EXPRESS!

A lot of "nice guys" or guys who fall into the "friendzone" lack that permission. They don't give themselves that freedom.

Top casanovas operate from a paradigm of FULL PERMISSION (while playing within the structure of what's socially acceptable and intelligent).

Are you giving yourself full permission? Or do you find yourself hesitating with your communication style and the DEGREE to which you allow self-expression?

That’s an answer only you know. Contemplate on that question for a couple of days.

Hope that helps.

-Laz