I think I’ll be more at ease once I share this out and get some clarity.

There’s this girl in my class that I take once a week. Nice, soft-spoken, organized, and pretty. A week in, I talk to her after class and get to know a few things about her. Her name, the year she’s in, her major, and her passion. I told myself I wasn’t going to get too strung on it, but the next class I saw her, there was this eye contact that was filled with tension. I was enjoying it, and I felt like she was enjoying it too.

Fast forward to exam prep week, last week, and I shared my review materials and we agreed to study soon. I completely forgot about it, but she brought it up about the review later during the week. I think, during this time, I thought she was putting more effort to study but as I look back, I realize that it was mutual. I gave the time, she shared she couldn’t, but we figured out a time to study.

During this study session with a few other people, the intense eye contact was still kicking and I felt like going for it, so I thought about trying to kickstart a new conversation while the other people were taking a break. She didn’t want to (first sign), which I thought that she didn’t want to cause she was stressed for the exam, so I figured I’d try again after.

Fast forward to after the exam, I wait for her to finish the exam as well as for other people. She finished and I walk up to talk about it for a min, then share how we should celebrate finishing our first computer science exam with a quick bite to eat. I should include that it’s night time so probably not the best idea, but just before I shared that, she seemed to slightly distance away from me. I should’ve just stopped right there, now that I think about it. She declined, said she had an exam exam to do, and preparing to go home. Knowing that the answer was set in stone, I said bye and left to my car to leave the premises.

Now that I think about it, I realize it was my mind that was so oozed by the intensity in our eye contact, and I was attracted to her, so I seem to think of the situation differently than what it really was. I realize that I did to myself again (I’ve had the tendency to imagine situations from very little context, and I thought I fixed that but it’s still unconsciously working it’s grips into my conscious mind).

This happened like an hour ago. I was kind of afraid to post it on her with the thought that she might see but I realize that this is for me and I need to think what is best for myself to get that clarity. To be clear, though, I may have to keep my distance in class (once a week), but I won’t let this hamper being peers in the class since it’s a tough class.