This is very difficult to explain, but today I was out with my friends and they were very in state, dancing, acting stupid, being happy etc. Maybe it was because they were drunk and high and I wasn't. But generally I find it difficult to get in state unless there's a reason for me to be excited...and even then it takes A LOT to excite enough to show lots of emotion.

I can act like I am in an energetic upbeat state..but inside I feel very fake and feel very odd about it, like I'm acting. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. I have trouble letting go..I feel like I am very aware of myself or something..like If I danced or tried to rap to a beat on the radio like my friends i'd feel weird...they "get into" the environment/place. I'm not sure how to explain it. Maybe because I'm depressed but my friends always comment on how I'm a bit aloof and rigid...while they're very upbeat..and it makes me feel uncomfortable that I'm not like that...at the same time acting like that feels inauthentic.

The thing is I'm very extroverted but in recent years I've become extremely mellow to where I don't really display emotions and my "state" and energy doesn't increase very easily unless there's something really crazy happening.

For example my friends can get excited very easily..but for me..unless something big happens I'm always in a low energy/low state...maybe it's the depression.

In bigger groups(5 people) though I get very funny and in a bit of a better mood...very energetic and i usually bounce of other's comments and lead convos.

I'm not sure if I explained it correctly but hopefully someone understands me.