Like many Nice Guys before me, my natural defense mechanism in intense situations is to be a pity whore. Today I realized that this tendency is responsible for many of my shortcomings and insecurities. Here are a few examples:

Last Spring I was having some personal troubles and I relied heavily on the support of my friends. Their support was essential to my recovery, but after being so vulnerable around them I felt more like a consoled child than a peer.

Then this Summer I had a falling out with a friend that for the most part took the form of one argument that went like this: she was angry about something that I had done, and although I had a genuine and justified defense for my actions I completely submitted, apologizing over and over and at one point I even brought up my personal struggles, which at the time I thought was a way for her to see where I was coming from but now I realize it was just a sorry attempt to squeeze any more pity out of her to get her to soften her blows.

And finally, last night I had a long talk with a girl I've been seeing. To paraphrase, she basically said that she likes me and I make her feel great but she doesn't feel any attraction because I'm a Nice Guy and I seek pity. This girl and I had gotten close in part by opening up to each other about our insecurities, and I felt like we were always on even ground. But I guess seeing me in a compromised state inevitably made her pity me as well.

Looking at my behavior made me realize that whenever I need more attention and compassion than I am receiving, I will open up about and even exaggerate my personal troubles to get it. I keep falling into this trap because it is an effective strategy, but comes with the repercussion of my peers looking down on me. Being a spineless Nice Guy, this always seemed like a favorable trade. But now I know how important being viewed as an equal is in love and in life, and have realized that it is impossible to achieve this when seeking pity. I could really use your advice on how to escape this tendency, Seddit.