Disclaimer: All information below may be irrational and incorrect. A different perspective is always welcome.

“What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. it is always the same step, but you have to take it.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

TL;DR: You can’t and you don’t try to.

Long Answer:

Don’t explain the situation. Whether you made mistakes in the past or not, the current situation is what matters right now and it’s fucking shitty as hell. Mix in the confusion, the ambivalence of your girlfriend, the ache in your chest, the 87 conversations on the same topic, and the inability to have a clear direction of the relationship, and you’ve got a wonderful mess on your hands. What are your available options right now to win back her love and affection or make the pain go away?

*A) Love her harder! *B) Repeatedly convince yourself: “I’m not loved!” *C) Analyze what you’re doing or what you did wrong *D) Beg, deplore, and plead *E) Gambling man? Give an ultimatum!

Ding Ding Ding! The answer is: STOP TRYING TO FIX THE SITUATION AND STOP TRYING TO REJECT THE PAIN.

A-E seem like good choices, but there’s a myriad of reasons why they’re not.

*A)Too little too late? Or maybe you’ve been too needy? Either way you’re fucked if you continue this behavior. *B)Resisting your emotions inevitably makes them stronger. Although temporarily soothing, this is just going to amplify your pain even more later. (I remember there being some science behind this, but I can’t find it right now - so I could be wrong, maybe an application of push/pull) *C)Productive, logical answer for a ways off, but it’s not going to help you right now. *D)This is going to end in tears. I don’t even want to explain. *E)The one giving ultimatums are usually the ones lacking in power already. Do this if you want the breakup, but there’s a small chance it might work…temporarily.

Whatever the reason is - it’s hurting because:

You’re seeking closeness from your partner —> Your partner is responding negatively —> This increases your insecurity and anxiety —> Which amplifies your need for closeness from your partner —> Further increasing negative responses etc. Your partner’s response is out of your control. (Attachment Theory)

So what can you do? The easiest and most effective way is to end the relationship. Yes, there’s plenty of fish out in the sea. There are beautiful, smart, intelligent, and nice women everywhere. But hearing all that’s not helping you right now.

So what I am proposing for you today is to stop seeking closeness with your partner. That’s it. Don’t aim for anything else. Read, watch a movie, hang out with friends, play with some dogs, or work out. DO ANYTHING HEALTHY TO DISTRACT YOURSELF. That seeking behavior is what’s hurting you, and is what’s antagonizing your girlfriend. A classic Lose-Lose situation. You can work on embracing the abundance/ditching the scarcity mentality later. All you are doing is deadening the recency effect by increasing events (since time is constant) after the pain so that the pain will recede in magnitude and intensity of the pain will be fuzzy to recall. (Primacy/Recency Effect )

Which brings us back to the quote. Just take this as one step. And then the same fucking step. You got this.

And if anyone else or I travel this road again, please let this be the signpost in the darkness.

Backstory: Currently, I am in an unhappy relationship that has lasted 8 months so far. I love my current girlfriend, but out of the blue two weeks ago, she stopped texting me and she stopped asking to hang out (a familiar scenario for many of you), and when I pressed her for answers - she no longer knows if she wants to be with me, and she wants space (But she doesn’t want to break up, but she apparently doesn’t know what she’s feeling). My mind has been endlessly reeling with explanations and reasons. That boy that’s become her new best friend (who also seems to read seddit)? Was it because I was too needy? What were her intentions behind X, Y, Z? What’s real and what’s an illusion? I’ve probably slept less than 15 hours in the past week, but as long as I keep pressing forward I know that I will be okay and that I am enough… Learning from Seddit has helped me land a relationship better than my past ones and Seddit will help me out of this shitty place. Many people before me have traveled this road, and their success shows me that my pain, although great and seemingly insurmountable, shall also come to pass.

</self rant>