I have recently been told that I am an argumentative and confrontational person. I was told that I snap easily, I am defensive/dislike criticism, I have to be right all the time, and I can communicate in quite a harsh tone.

This took me very much by surprise -- me and my ex never argued in 2 years, though in hindsight she was very passive. I have started seeing a new girl and we have silly arguements quite a lot. I began to wonder if this was me, and my friends agreed that I could be quite argumentative, though this was also referred to as "I know what I want".

I know this is perhaps a slightly unusual topic of discussion for Seddit, but because we are all here to better ourselves, I thought I'd reach out. I'd rather not be too confrontational, and I'd like a way to improve myself in this area -- any book recommendations?

For those with a good understanding of psychology, here's an example demonstrating my behavior and also explaining my logic. Perhaps this will give some insight into what my issue is.

The other night, my girlfriend poked me in the eye by accident. No big deal, I wasn't annoyed in the slightest, and I started teasing her about it. She was laughing, then all of a sudden she became very upset and annoyed with me -- apparantly she has an eye phobia and I'd crossed a line. She continued to be mad at me for a while, which really frustrated me.

On one hand, I didn't want to upset her. But from my perspective, how could I know she had an eye phobia? She thought I should have been considerate, I thought I couldn't reasonably be expected to adapt my behavior on the off chance she had this phobia -- otherwise I'd be adapting my behavior constantly.

This was construed as me refusing to back down and having to be right. To me, I certainly wasn't in the wrong, though I, of course, would be more considerate in future now that I know this phobia. I was sorry I upset her, but also thought she was slightly in the wrong for getting angry over something so silly. In other words, both wrong, and not a situation worth arguing about.

I felt like I understood her side of the situation, but I was also aware of my own thoughts/feelings on it. In such a situation, I think I would be extremely weak to just say "you are right honey," but at the same time my behavior caused things to escalate.

Now, I have always hated arguements -- they bore me to my core, so I don't want them in a relationship. I have also always considered myself quite laid back, especially about the big things in life such as my career. I also saw myself as an objective person, capable of seeing faults in myself.

I have said this to her, and she said that I don't hate arguments -- I just hate people arguing back.

This concerned me. I am not jealous nor do I have any desire to be controlling -- especially to a girlfriend who I want to be free to pursue whatever she wants in life. However, by having to be right about certain things and win arguments, I am worried that I might be being controlling indirectly.

I have ranted for far too long here, but I wondered if anyone else had any thoughts on this. If there are any resources I can read to become more laid back -- read: less arguementative and confrontational -- that would be great.

Thanks in advance.