I have an issue that is literaly eating me up from inside out.

I am a successful young man in my early mid 20s – successful in everything with the exception of sexual satisfaction. (What a surprise?) To cut a long story short, because no one likes the guy that boasts – I have a morally satisfying job that pays well, my own place. I am financially and morally independent from my parents & friends – I am my own entity that, in many honest opinions, is more than someone should ask for and take for granted.

However, I am human. I am driven by success so it’s only natural that I ask for more. So here goes..

Grew up with a religious upbringing. No joke, 8 years in a catholic school before I moved on to a normal one. Parents didn’t get less religious, so I was always sheltered, sexual topics were heavy taboo at home and as a consequence they still are to this day (perhaps this last year I’ve been more accepting of it – better late than never I guess). Without any arguments I can admit that my denial for the necessity for any type of sexual contact HAS INFACT – DIRECTLY/INDIRECTLY - BENEFITTED ME with much of what I own and have achieved so far. It was something I bypassed through childhood and it never slowed down any other aspects of my life. I am a happy man, well established, well mannered, well dressed and socially accustomed to a good few layers of the social sandbox out there. Except I’m not satisfied, because natural instincts still prevail.

I’ve had dates, I’ve had flings. I’ve been (note: indirectly) offered a relationship. Which I refused, because quite frankly it was boring. Which leads me on to the next topic: oneitis. Yes, I am guilty of it. From what you can fathom in my walls of text above, I haven’t had many relationships in my life. In fact, none at all. There’s this story I tell myself that, because I spent my teen and early 20s as a fat boy with bad teeth, scared of dirty talk, afraid to make risks, make my feelings apparent.. yeah, it’s not a story – it’s a solid fact. But of course, almost everything has changed since then. You can pretty much relate me to the actor who played Neville Longbottom in the HP franchise. That scale of change, but slightly bigger.

SO – ONEITIS. A word that makes me cringe so hard my ears start to burn. It’s a pain in the ass, and it’s been a good few months since I essentially ‘solved’ this issue by consciously limiting my contact with the girl. From every day, to once a week, to once every two weeks – we’re at once per month now. To bring things into perspective – met girl summer 2014, hung out EVERYDAY for almost 6 months – lots of kino, lots of deep convos, lots of fun. It was a pseudo relationship; she even slept at mine for 2 months. Then I asked her if she wants to step up a level with how things are going. I thought I had nothing to lose – oh how wrong was I.

She said no, obviously. Actually, it was more of a ‘I’ve been in relationships since 16, I want to be single, I don’t have much to share, I’ll be a bad girlfriend’. It’s evident that, given our age, what fruit we want from life, our current hormonal moods, all this shit makes passion a very sceptical word. It’s there, and then it’s not. Regardless I took her answer like man for about two weeks until I eventually felt shit enough to tell her I needed a lot of space and just wanted her out. She felt shit, but she did what I asked. For about a week – after which I get a long message with an apology claiming that this ‘friendship’ is valuable and all the rest of the classical, standard repetitive shit I’m sure a good 80% of you have seen and lived through. I responded, because I don’t believe in burning bridges – every person I meet will be useful, in one way or another. It’s exceptionally rare that I cut someone out permanently. Too young for that anyway. So – here we are at present. She’s still single, I’m still single. It was a rough summer in terms of friendship between us; I grew jealous, bitter, secluded myself as I didn’t really want to talk to her. I just didn’t want conflict in my head, and conflict with her. Out of sight, out of mind. My general negligence for social media was, for once, beneficial.

Fast forward now. I see her after about a month. My busiest month this year, with a lot of plans currently running and a lot planned out. I am as independent of her attention as ever, we had a dinner. She finally opens up, says she wants to be loved (not loved by me, just loved). This is where I begin hearing a lot of compliments, ego boosts, and generally nice comments. But I still can’t trust her, and I probably won’t. Non the less my feelings, dull as ever, are still there. So before I say, or do something stupid, I am depending on you, specialised reddit crew, to blast me with some reality.

I want to know how I can overcome my asexual mindset (note im not a virgin) I want to figure out what the fuck this girl wants from my life. Does it have to be so black and white? I have many friends like her, I don’t need another one. But SHE is special. Am I just that desperate, or does her behaviour reflect something I am just to blind to see? Note that asking her what she feels is almost pointless, she instantly locks down and then changes topic.

Literally 50% of me is telling her to GTFO, 50% of me is telling me that she’s not worth losing.

Halp, reddit.