This will be long post, so if you dont have the patience, scroll to the bottom, but it would be awesome to read it through and get some feedback from you.

So... let me begin with this - 21yo male, dated 1 girl when I was like 13. Didnt even kiss since then, let alone fuck (i dont count hookers ) She rejected me (girl, not hookers) harshly, like she was really angry that I kept messaging her, Which is fair enough but I think this experience damaged me or i was al ready damaged, Just didnt see it.

I am introverted so I dont really need others for life and I am passive and Lazy so it is no surprise to me i never really had someone attracted to me in the first place.... And I was Fine with it... or I thought so...

But in the Last year or so, This thing really started to bother me, i am scared of wasting my 20s Which is already happening and Honestly, even If i began today on self improvement and pickup, it will Just take me so long to get to the level of my friends or Just normal people.

IT seems to me like i dont have a will to make a change and I developed some kind of self hate towards myself, yes I hate myself.

But maybe I am not so bad after all, let me tell you what happened this summer (for full story with detail s, Just browse my post history)

I met one girl, she seemed interested (and her friends letted me know she likes me, i didnt believe but wanted to talk to her, she was in some bar where I picked up my drunk male friend by a car so I walked towards her and suddenly when she saw me, she turned around and ran to the bathrooms (WTF right?) Well, I kind of let her be but I didnt know I was hooked, i was so into her that I didnt want to fuck up something so I waited and waited for like whole month because I didnt want to fuck up and I Just texted her like 2 times in that time. (But I kept topics safe and almost didnt escalate , big mistake.)

Well, after that month, she seemed distant and didnt really answered any of my messages (i shouldnt text her more than once, i know but she is easily HB8+ and I Felt i wont have chance with girl like this for a long time, big mistake, again)

Well, shortly after, I went on 1 week vacation in foreign country and bought MM - Models to read something while i am chilling at the Beach. And it absolutely blew my mind. It seemed to me like i have found holy grail to dating and all my problems.

In that 1 week period, i went out drinking 2 times to the same bar (only bar worth going into in that town I was staying ) 1st time I approached hottest girl in there, spectacular blonde, best of all girls in that bar. I made joke About her being stoner since she is from Netherlands and she seemed offended and suddenly it was awkward so I put my Hand on her shoulder and tell her i will get back to her. Second night i was drunk as fuck and approached some cute HB7 (6 maybe) but she repeated she had a bf and Just wants to have fun talking. We talked but I kept trying kino on her, she let me hold her back but no butt :D Well, in the end I left and fell asleep in hotel bathroom.

Why do I write About those 2 experiences? Because I approached more girls in that time than through whole high school (sad i know)

I dont know, but when my friends werent there, I felt more at ease approaching and Failing. Does anybody Else feel the same?

Well, anyway, to finish my story - after that week I felt like newborn, full of energy and confidence i didnt felt since ages. I want to add that I am daily weed smoker and I abstained on that vacation so maybe it has something to do with it? IDK

When I came home, one day that girl I had huge crush on, she was in our house (my sis invited her to watch some movies)

Well, I sent my sister outside to be able to talk to this girl alone. I told her that I like her and would like to know her better but that I Dont like how she is running away from me... suddenly she said that she has somebody else (i know she lied, she was just messaging with some random guy she liked in that time.) So I said we will be friends then (another mistake, I should tell her i dont wanna date her, Just get her know better and we will see )

One more thing, this girl is virgin so is there some chance that I Just scared her with being overly direct after long time of basically befriending her? )

I dont even know what I want from you guys, I guess I Just wanted to spill it out because I dont have anyone close enough to be comfortable telling him/her things i Just told you guys.

What do you think About my situation? Am I weird? Am I failure? Do I have a chance on normal life? What do you think About story I Just told you?

All feedback is welcomed, but I need to stop writing cause my eyes are watering again....

PS : when I dont think About myself, how big of a failure I am, i feel Just normal l but when I do... I Cannot help myself but Just cry for like 20 seconds and then it i Fine.... Till I begin thinking About myself again....