I remember back in High School I was the most deluded kid alive. I'm pretty sure I had conduct disorder, which is something most teens grow out of, but when you have it, you carry a lot of traits of a sociopath. I thought I was god's gift to women because I started hitting the gym and I wasn't fat anymore. I wasn't even ripped, just moderately fit at best. I was also just barely average looking. I still wore glasses and had no knowledge of good grooming, fashion, or what made a person attractive. But at that point, it didn't register for me. Even if a girl looked at me I would think that she was fantasising about me. It was complete aids, but it worked. I would speak to a girl and assume she was already really into me, and if she wasn't then she had problems. I thought that I had the world in the palm of my hands and everyone was like a pawn in my deluded reality. I reached a level of delusion to the point of extreme narcissism. I was still the shyest dude alive, had no game, was insecure about a lot of things, and overall I was just fucking weird. I literally treated other people like NPCs, on some sociopath shit. I would be just high fiving people and making superficial conversations with everyone about jack shit while smiling and then dismissing them from my mind. I couldn't understand people and didn't care to. Others were tools to benefit my self-image or reputation.

Frame? I had no clue what that was. Social skills? I was super dismissive of everyone and I was probably the worst listener. I lied a lot. Emotions? I had no self-control or awareness. Clothing? A shitty fucking snapback or no snap back, sweat pants, and a t-shirt. IOIs? Couldn't read them for shit. Everything to me was an IOI. Yet somehow, girls were digging it. It made no fucking sense. I remember trying to look cool to my friends so I messaged this hot girl and told her "stop texting me you ugly bitch". Like dude, it was bad. I feel bad about it now, but then, I had no guilt or remorse. And guess what she did? She started chasing me more... We ended up dating for a bit which probably wouldn't have happened if I wasn't at that level of complete lack of giving a fuck. And my "friends" were also insecure so seeing me have that power made them dick ride. It's like a cycle. You build momentum. Looking back, that's probably what it's like to be a narcissist. You believe you're the main character, then you act in a way to get a girl to treat you like that, then guys see that and treat you like that, then it builds up. The weird thing is that I didn't even care about getting laid and never went for it. It was just about power. And it's like because I had that complete lack of attachment, it made the girls even more attached. I remember a girl and her friend came to a game where I was the worst player and were obsessed and trying to meet me, and in front of the whole team I said, "why are you here? go back i'm getting distracted.". At a certain point though, it gets brutal to where they realise you're a complete dick and move on, and rightfully so. It feels like it was possessed by a different person at that period in my life though. You don't want to fuck up people like that.

Now that I'm older and have empathy, I have none of those skills. I have 10x more attachment to outcome, and because I'm more aware of the world, it's harder to delude myself. But, I'm learning to adapt parts of that older self now that I can trust myself to not be manipulative, while still keeping the empathy that I've gained. But it's starting to make a lot of sense to me why it's easy for people who have bad looks and not much going for them to be successful in pulling. It's just a number's game and self-belief to the point where people just cave to it.