I'm a 21 year old guy going to LSU, dorming on campus. I'm attractive, tall and physically fit. Until about a year ago, I struggled with shyness and social awkwardness. Still do to some extent, but I'm able to make friends and connections much more easily now. I feel socially "late", as I didn't really have a father figure or many male friends growing up in high school. Only this year could I hang out with a group of guys and have it feel semi-normal.

I was cheated on a year ago, which motivated me to start my whole self-improvement binge. I've been on seddit for a year, reading periodically. I've read The Power of Habit, How to Win Friends and Influence People and a couple other books. I've been listening to podcasts and videos on conversation, body language, approaching and closing, etc.

I'm at a stage where I'm pretty much aware of social dynamics, the "mood" in a group and how I could act in a given situation. I've internalized not giving a fuck; if it wasn't for the fact that I was being rude, I would be way more comfortable facing silence than a given person. But being quiet doesn't cut it when it comes to making friends, the ladies or my self esteem in general. The problem is, despite all the research I've done, letting myself out is still difficult. I was depressed for a large portion of my life, so my interesting stories are far and few in between. I don't have much to talk about apart from my current interests. I've been putting myself out there lately and I've been getting a lot of small victories here there and my progress, I'm happy to say, is evident.

But my roommate and I are throwing a party tomorrow and my crush is coming. There's gonna be drinks so I'll be able to enjoy some liquid courage, but honestly speaking, my "real, inner self" could use some work. Instinctively I say shit I regret, such as being critical, judgmental, not being proactive in a conversation, etc.

I understand HOW to be "alpha" or a leader or a man or whatever, but my execution is off. I do overthink things generally, but I don't wanna fake confidence either. I will face the party and do my best, that goes without saying, but I am worried. That I won't be able to take part in conversations, have fun and seduce my crush. The fact of the matter is my confidence level is not where I want it to be and doing with what I got might not be enough. I'm not shy anymore, but my vulnerable self just doesn't feel charismatic or strong enough.

I've recently learned "Don't react to others, have them react to you" but I feel like I don't have enough substance to really be successful with this approach yet.