I wanted to share what I have learnt this year, I will share the lessons I learnt along this journey. (long read, but worth it!)

I will share with you my wins, loses, and how my outlook went from basic Pickup, to understanding masculinity.

I am in AA ( been sober 6 years now) and part of our program is doing 12 steps, one of the steps is about making ammends to people you have hurt in the past.

I had put off making ammends to my ex, the only girl I ever loved. I was an alcoholic, I still had trauma from a sociopath I dated when I was 18, I viewed this girl as my ex. She helped me to trust women again though, I was guarded and on edge, she opened my heart up and loved me unconditionally.

She had some things going on and we both became different people, we drifted, and I broke it off, after 3 years, it was one of the hardest decisions .

I called her up 5 years later and I apologised for what I put her through when I was drinking, she had to stop people fighting me when I would drink and say shit, she told me how bad my sex addiction was and how tense it made her feel around me and she even added on all the guys she had dated after me.

She told me though that by calling her that I had repaired a lot of her old wounds and she thanked me and said I made a real difference for her.

It hurt like hell to think that I wasn't this amazing boyfriend I thought I was and it shook me to my core, it felt good to repair her pain though and clear my conscience, by working the 12 steps.

I had codependency, a belief I needed someone else to feel full, because inside I believed I wasn't enough. I didn't date for 5 years and just hooked up a few times while I was getting sober, I went from hating being alone to loving the peace I felt. I was also able to rely on myself in social situations and challenge some of my demons.

My growth lead me to make ammends to my ex, but all of it hit me and I hit a rock bottom. Coach Corey Wayne talks about using emotional leverage to achieve a major change in our lives.

It's the idea that people only do things to avoid pain, staying with the wrong person, being insulted, drinking to excess, these were all flipped, the pain was stagnating in my comfort zone and not taking action, not giving myself a chance to grow!

I remember looking at dating over the 5 years and looking at coach Corey's videos, it scared me and I said " well I'm not ready yet" so I put them down and kept treading water in my shrinking comfort zone.

I finally brought the audiobook, I was sick of having to rely on luck, not being able to date quality girls or hookup when I wanted, it had to change! This was September 2020

I was spurred on by a friend who went through a similar journey before me and his growth inspired me to take the plunge! My friend was infested by crippling anxiety, bad with women, and was always hard on himself, even though he is an epic lad.

He emerged a changed man, who would go out dating, hooking up, and bettering his situation in all areas of his life, the transformation I saw was amazing! He is still one of my biggest inspirations.

I read coach Corey's 3% man, and it gave me some ideas, I knew 2% of dating fundamentals at this point, I was clueless!

I got some dates, but couldn't master kissing or even getting second dates, it was frustrating, I even got a few head turns and cheek kisses...

I persevered though and read it more, I learnt about setting 3 dates to hookup with a girl or going to 3 places on 1 date to hookup with her on the same night.

In Janurary, after loads of failed dates and practice, I met a girl, we laughed and it felt effortless!

( Lesson1- always set dates in the evenings, where sex can happen)

The next week I went out late to a pub, she looked stunning. I learnt Kino ( the art of breaking the touch barrier, to slowly seduce a woman) I had it on my phone and kept reading all the steps!

1) touch hand ( even pinkies touching)

2) playful touch arm or leg (hold hands)

3) rest hand on leg or lower back while guiding woman in a crowd

4) look for signs she wants to kiss, (playing with her hair, looking at your lips, putting on lip balm or lip stick) smile and then lean in for the kiss.

5) touch her on her waist and other areas, best place for this is while dancing! (it's fun and flirty

6) then you tell her "let's get out of here" meet all shit tests with playful banter

7) get home with her, tell her what you love about the way she look (build comfort)

8) last minute resistance (last test) a girl will sometimes fein that she isn't interested in sex when you are home with you, its her testing to see how you will react. You just pass the test by saying "no probs with confidence and smile"

You begin kissing and slowly go from one area to another, if she pulls away, go back to the last step ( 2steps forward 1 step back) eventually following this you will be in😎

I remembered these steps, I got to the pub and we had a laugh, she people watched and said someone looked like postman pat and we couldn't stop laughing. Then a drunk guy came over and began to challenge me to arm wrestle, I looked at her and she raised an eyebrow, I took the guy on and slammed his arm into the table haha.

She couldn't stop laughing, then he challenged me to push-ups, I said "you first" he began doing push-ups and looked like the biggest idiot haha. He kept trying to talk to my date and she basically deconstructed him, I felt sorry for the guy😅

I panicked here, it was 12 and I hadn't even kissed her yet. She said "where to next?" I jumped in an uber and we went to the city. In the uber I checked the first Kino step, I subtly reached my hand over and let our pinkies touch, she was slowly stroking it haha.

Then we got to the city but the club I wanted to go to was closed, she began testing me "saying so you don't have a plan" I stayed calm and said with confidence, "follow me" and I grabbed her hand ( broke the second Kino step)

( Lesson 2 - Always be confident in yourself, even if a woman tests you (she tests us to see our strength because she is interested in us) fake it until you make it)

She let me lead her and we found an epic rooftop bar, I got drinks and sat down with her, I was being to cautious, but I was having playful banter and treating her like my bratty younger sister and it was funny as hell!

I realized that just like starting to date again, there will never be a perfect time, so I took the plunge and I kissed her, she kissed me back it was long and hard. She looked at me and was smiling, her tests melted away, she opened up and fell Into her natural feminine energy( Kino step 4 ticked!)

We went next door for a few more drinks, and I put my hand on her thigh, kissed her ear lobes, and her neck, she was laughing loads and was flirting with me.

We left the third place, but she wanted to dance, we went to a big night club ( I don't drink alcohol, so I was smashing redbulls). I was nervous at first, but then I just kept my confidence and kept up the playful banter.

(lesson 3- dates should always be fun and playful, never boring, serious, or trying to clarify relationships, where you stand- always!)

We got into the club and she began grinding on me and we danced, she jumped up and wrapped her legs around my waist, she then lowered herself to the ground and back up, then when she was upright I kissed her.

( I am bad at dancing and always thought I couldn't do it without alcohol, I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, because that's when real growth happens)

I just went mental then, I was dancing like an idiot, just having a blast and she loved it! She was laughing and unbuttoning my shirt and then putting $50 bills down her bra, it was the most fun I ever had while sober on a night out! (Kino 5 achieved!)

I said "let's get out of here", she agreed we got outside and then she said " we can't go to mine it's messy", I said "I live with my parents and they will cut my balls off if we go to mine".

I said "we are going to yours with a shit eating grin she laughed and said" but my bed creaks" I said "we will be like sexy ninjas" she laughed and said " you are an asshole" I responded with a grin "you love it" (Kino 6 check!)

( not being an asshole, just being confident, playful and not being scared to have banter with her, not using toxic negging or forceful behaviour)

We went back to hers and I got in her room, I complimented her curves and cute face, she smiled ( Kino 7 done)- stopped her feeling self concious and built her comfort.

She said after " we are only getting to second base though" I smiled and said " no probs 🙂" I lay down and pulled her on top of me, we kissed for 5 minutes and then she began taking her clothes off and it all went from there! (Kino 8 Done 😎)

( Lesson 4- women have to deal with Insecure men on a daily basis, who don't understand attraction or seduction, it's a slow dance, the minute you begin to get butthurt when she tests you, that's when you fail and get rejected. Men who are confident and certain, are attractive to women and when you pass her tests, her attraction grows steadily!)

In the morning I stayed there all day, we had fun many times. My knowledge gap showed though, I focused on just Pickup and I got what most shallow Pickup artist get, a one night stand and not much more, nothing against Pickup, but there is a lot more to dating!

I began to compliment her "your gorgeous" (said it at least 10 times to her in 5 hours) - I was acting like I wasn't worthy - I was so grateful.

(Lesson 5- don't treat women like celebrities, they have to prove themselves to you as well. If you value yourself and what you bring to the table you will match and mirror what she does and still let her work for your affections.

Men who treat women like celebrities get treated like annoying fans. Women wanted to be treated like human beings and equals, they want to earn your affection, if it is given away all at once they won't value it or you, which leads to being messed around and eventually rejected)

She was having banter with me, but I got Insecure, I was in no man's land now, I didn't know what to do or how things were in the morning after a hookup. I reverted back to my old ways and I revealed to her, through my actions, that I don't get many women, this doesn't happen to me often, and I don't have much confidence.

The following week I tried to arrange a date, she said she was busy seeing an old guy friend, but if it fell through we could meet.

(lesson 6- I gave my affection away to easy, she didn't value me and instead of being her best choice, I became an option. Never let yourself be an option to a girl if you want something serious)

I agreed, then 10 minutes later I read something online and messaged her " I don't want to be an option and I have arranged something with someone that definitely wants to spend time with me, let me know if you want to catch up next week when you are free"

( lesson 7- always be consistent with women, if you agree or say one thing, don't go back on it! It makes it hard for women to trust your masculine core and she won't be as open or attracted to you, because she can't trust what you say)

She was hurt, I was being inconsistent and butthurt, I called my sister and asked her advice, she told me to call back and apologise. I called back and apologised, she seemed OK.

The contact dropped off, she stopped seeing me as the confident guy she had fell for, and as an insecure man, who didn't value himself or think he was worthy.

(Lesson 8- attraction drops slowly over time and attraction builds slowly over time. If a woman goes cold it's becuase she is less attracted because you have shown weakness or insecurity. It can be rebuilt by being confident and bringing the dating back to a fun and playful place)

I began to pursue her, I told her I was free all week, texted her all day, was overly sexual, I was crashing and burning, desperate! My behaviour turned her off even more and the texts went form 5 a day to 1 a day to every second day. ( she was shit testing me more as well, becuase she didn't believe in my masculine strength).

Then I got a text that "you are a nice guy, but I don't think it will work out, all the best". I had watched a million videos on reatraction, but it was to late by this time. I learnt a nugget of epicness though, I didn't beg or plead, I just said what coach Corey said " I'm sorry to hear that, well if you change give me a call".

(Lesson 9 handle the rejection in a calm way and leave the door open in the future, which can work out for more hookups potentially in the future.)

(lesson 10, to many of us project our romantic fantasy on to people who aren't ready for a relationship, or not at that level. The relationship talk has to be the woman's idea, her attraction grows slow and after 2 months, If you have done everything right, she will bring it up!)

I was focused on locking her down, because deep down I thought I wasn't worthy to have her. Dating is a slow gradual process, that if done right grows attraction between two compatible people. ( reverse your actions and pretend a girl was acting the way you were, would you be scared?- I know I would!)

I got upset, she was the first girl I had clicked with and now I let my lack of knowledge mess it up.

( Lesson 11, never be afraid to fail or become rejected, you need become comfortable with it! It's only through failure can we grow and learn!)

(lesson 12, women get over rejection or breakups faster because they allow themselves to feel the pain, you need to feel it to heal it. Don't drink yourself into a coma, feel your pain, write about it, write the lessons you learnt, how you feel.

congratulate yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone and being brave enough to grow, when so many others would be scared to try!)

I was upset, I fell for a girl I only slept with once, I began to tell myself I deserve the best and I began to body build, worked on my business, and my studies! Coach Corey said " what you focus on expands" I focused on improving myself and feeling happier!

(Lesson 13, a man's mission ( his driving force, the dream he strives for) should be his main purpose in life above anything else (including women), you have to work on making a better life for you and working towards completing your goals everyday!)

When a man works on his purpose, he doesn't have time to obsess about how long it takes a girl to text back or worry about his life, because he is creating a positive movement towards his dreams, that transforms negative energy, into useful energy that can make him feel good!

I began to work on my purpose, body building, my business, and studying my bachelor of marketing degree, this consumed me, it helped me massively!

I made time for friends, family, and my hobbies, but this began my true centre, the place I would always be drawn back to, if I felt sad or if I felt success, I would always come back to my purpose and keep working on it. A man's true purpose gives him inner peace and helps him to develop emotional balance within himself.

He becomes more certain, confident, and this translates to all areas of his life, although slow, the change is truly amazing!

I spoke to my friend, she is a legend and we spoke about masculine and feminine energy, she complained about how she lost attraction for every guy she was with eventually. The men she dated at first had their own lives, confidence, and this is what attracted my friend.

Eventually though, she told me they would become fearful, start pursuing her to much, and when she would test them they would fold, they were scared to challenge her or disagree with her, they stopped being the guys she had fell for, they were now people pleasers, seeking my friends validation.

(Lesson 14- never seek a woman's approval, you should be happy being who you are regardless! If you are true to yourself you will create a filter that will repel the people who aren't right for you and attract the people who are. Additionally, by being who you are, regardless of what others think, you will be happier and more attractive to women!)

These men changed themselves, they thought they weren't good enough, they let these thoughts consume them and then they began to seek my friends validation, thus destroying all attraction. Women want confident men who value themselves and aren't scared to be the person that makes their themselves happy!

I told my friend she felt frustrated because she is an Alpha woman, and when a man isn't confident, is insecure, neurotic, or is people Pleasing, he is giving off a feminine vibe. The woman then has to take on the masculine role to lead, she hates this becuase in her job it's ok, but in her romantic relationships it makes her feel angry.

A man who is confident and in his masculine, helps women to feel safe, so they can let their guard down, and will become feminine and loving!

( women and men both have a mix of both feminine and masculine, it's great! Some women are more masculine and prefer feminine guys and vice versa, this does work) in the case of people who are mostly masculine or feminine in their core energy, this is were this applies.

My friend laughed and said "that's why!" none of these guys are brave enough to be themselves or stand up for themselves. She focused on a man who could provide her with the masculine energy she craved.

2 months later she told me she was seeing 4 guys at once and there was a 5th guy, but when she was with him she felt the other guys she saw werent as good as him. She said that this one man, had all the attractive attributes of the 4 she was seeing casually.

She dropped the other 4 guys and has been dating this man for 6 months now! She says he stands up for himself, isn't scared to be himself, challenges her, makes her laugh, communicates with her and makes her feel safe and loved! She can be in her true feminine and she has a glow about her, this happiness, becuase she can be true to her core energy now! This is what a masculine man makes women feel!

She then told me, "see women are dating more than one person at a time, you need to be doing the same as well!"

(Lesson 15- date more than one person at a time, you can learn more quickly and grow faster, keep your emotional centre, curb neediness, and have more options. This leads to an abundant mindset, that women can sense, you aren't a hungry, desperate guy anymore, you release a confident energy, that women love. A man who has options. Or has a mindset of abundance, is an attractive man in women's eyes.)

I took my friends advice and I thought how cool it would be to be seeing multiple girls at once and having some fun, this was in March.

I also did an exercise from coach Corey Wayne's book called " the love letter" I wrote down all the attributes I wanted and then all of the attributes that would be deal breakers for me, then ranked the top 10.

I discovered a lot about myself and what I wanted in a woman, instead of using a shotgun approach and not being able to get many chances to date the type of women I wanted, I began to focus on the sort of woman I did want.

The list helped me to hone in and soon I met a cute Kenyan girl, she was funny, ambitious and nice, some of the attributes I wanted in a woman.

We went on our first date and we hit it off, I went for the kiss at the end but she turned her cheek, i thought I'd messed up, but I hadn't.

The next week we went to the casino, as she had never played roulette I said " we will put it on black, because it's a lucky colour" she laughed. We were doing stupid accents and being idiots together, which felt epic! I'm a joker and I'm a big kid at heart, so I loved this.

I focused on this and it expanded! Here was a girl who had what I wanted! We jumped in an uber together and we both set different addresses, 5 minutes in to the trip, she says " shall we change it to the same address?"

I grinned and said "why not!" the uber driver was pissed he had to change the ride and was watching us kiss in the back haha.

We got back to hers and it was insane, it's exactly what I imagined being with a beautiful African girl would be like!

We began seeing each other and became fwb, she would get baked and we would have fun together. We made the bed collapse one night and becuase we were so high we began dancing on the wooden bed slats!

She loved horror films and we went to the firing range and blasted every gun there, she even held a huge shotgun that nearly threw her out of the cubicle!

I was on tinder and met another girl, she was a single mom and had been divorced for a year. She asked me what I was looking for and I told her I wanted to date or find a relationship.

She said I would be perfect if she was ready for a relationship, but she said she was only looking for fwb. I said I would be open to it and we chatted all day, I went over the same night and we had some fun!

I saw both girls for 2 months, it was epic! One girl would message me and I would go over and then I'd just chill and focus on my purpose, not chasing them, but letting them reach out to me.

I began to like both of the girls and I reached a crossroads, which girl do I choose? I had to come to this decision because the Kenyan girl said " my housemates asked me what we are, and I said I didn't know, isnt that funny?" I said " yeah that is funny" then I changed the topic😅.

I was still undecided, and I didn't want to mess her around, so I looked back at the list of traits I wanted again. I looked at which girl had the most desirable traits I wanted and then I listed the negatives, I subtracted the 2 values to give me an overall score.

The single mom won, she was down to earth, easy to get a long with, and nerdy. The Kenyan girl was becoming possessive and began insulting me in front of people. I had an abundance mindset, so I choose the mom.

I told the African girl and we went our separate ways, I could have continued seeing her, but it wasn't fair to her and I believe in karma.

The Single mom (SM) showed me many red flags, she had previously cheated in her last relationship, was still involved with her ex husband, was cheated on by her ex husband, had been abused as a child, didn't have a dad when she was growing up, her mom is an alcoholic, she had depression and 2 children to look after, while organising a divorce.

(lesson 16- always listen to red flags, if it's low on your list of cons and you like her, be cautiously optimistic, if it's a true deal breaker though leave her and find someone who is more compatible. If you make the wrong choices early, you will pay later with more pain.)

I ignored all of the red flags, I thought I was different and I can fix her.

(lesson 17- you can't fix anyone or change anyone's true nature, it's up to them. You can't fall in love with someones potential, you should only choose someone based on who they are now)

Her sex drive matched mine and I would go to see her once a week, then twice, then it was half the week.

(lesson 18- don't be to available, people are like your favourite food, it's great, but if you have it to much you will get bored of it, scarcity creates attraction)

We would go to fancy restraunts, the casino, she loved hotels and we would spend weekends in hotels, having loads of fun!

I was drunk off the sex and the person I had told myself she was, I told myself I knew her, but I could never have known the real her without looking into all the reasons why she had so many red flags.

She hadn't dated for 10 years and I explained what casual dating was to her and we agreed to casually date.

(lesson 19- if you begin dating causally or exclusively with someone, always go over the the definitions and what you both think it is, so someone doesn't end up being hurt)

I look at casual dating as seeing other people while seeing one person. I had a great day with her but when I left her house I felt sad, because I cared for this girl and I knew she was going off with other guys.

My romantic interest was undoing my calm and confident mind, I began to become fearful and uncertain.

I decided to use a reddit forum to seek out a new fwb, me and the SM had posted some videos on the forum and a random girl posted a comment asking me to message her.

The account was half a day old, which set off a gut feeling, my instinct was screaming that something wasn't right.

(lesson 20, always listen to your gut feeling, it's your survival mechanism trying to warn you something isn't right and to help you to survive)

The girl messages and told me she wants to meet and in the video she got turned on by what I was doing. She then trailed off and described me and said are you him " I said yes"

She responds " you know my friend SM" five minutes later SM messages me saying wtf, right after we spent a nice morning together and you are already trying to get with another girl.

I explained what casual dating was and I knew she wasn't willing to go exclusive. We smoothed it over and she said she only wants us to see each other, so we went exclusive.

(lesson 21, relationships and exclusive dating always have to be brought up by the girl, otherwise she isn't 100% into it, dating and committing to you has to be her idea to begin with)

SM only wanted to date because she felt insecure, and not because she was generally interested. I went to my friend's birthday a few days later and then she messages me about how she needs company and use to have people around all weekend to keep her company.

Massive Red flag!!!

I couldn't stop stressing, I told her not to cheat on me because I care for her. She told me in the morning that the same night she had an old fwb, message her to come over, she said she had wrestled with her conscience but in the end she remembered what I said and said no.

( lesson 22- look at a woman's actions and not what she says, the way a woman acts around you can tell you many things, how attracted she is to you and how much effort she makes.

It also tells you through changes in behaviour if she is cheating, buying new clothes and dressing up randomly, taking longer to get back to your texts, becoming disrespectful, making up convoluted excuses not to see you.)

She had gotten even with me, I was cheated on in my first relationship when I was 18 and all these old fears came back in a big way. My calm mind had evaporated, I was on the ropes.

She would begin telling me that her ex was in the area and she was scared, told me her brother who was a meth addict, who she didn't see often, wanted to come around and I would have to go home.

(lesson 23- set your boundaries with women, if they break them voice breaking them isn't OK with you. You only invite people to treat you how you show up, so if you have low self esteem and are feeling bad, you will invite people into your life that will take advantage of this or don't care about you.)

If you start standing up for yourself and telling yourself you deserve the best, then only people who are positive will come into your life, you have control of who you let into your inner circle and what you tolerate or expect from others)

I was falling for her, I didn't stand up for myself, I kept asking for reassurance, I began treating her like a psychologist and not a girl I was dating. Women want men who are emotionally balanced and confident, if we aren't this way it's up to us to talk to our support network and psychologist, to work on our shortcomings.

Yet when we are with the girl we date we focus on the key of dating, fun and not serious. We acknowledge we feel bad, but we stay in the present and enjoy our time with the girl we date. When you fall in love or have a relationship with a girl you can talk about some things, but not everything, it still has to be fun!

I was inconsistent, I wanted to date her, I lied about it several times until she said " stop thinking about what I want and tell me what you want".

I did and she agreed to it, I would always hide my true feelings, I became a people pleaser, I wanted her validation, because deep down I didn't feel worthy.

I hadn't felt this way about someone for 5 years and with the help of my psychologist, she helped convince me to be vulnerable again in a relationship. She told me vulnerability was strength.

I laid it on thick with the SM I opened my heart up and spilled out all my fears. She learnt way to much about me and lost loads of attraction for all my hangups.

(lesson 24- the girls we date aren't our psychologists, use actual psychologists and your support network if you have a problem to solve. Your girl is the person you go to, where you have fun and an escape from your problems)

( leson 25- women will associate you with what you talk about, is it negative or positive, how is your attitude to your life and those around you?)

I cracked one day I called her and said " please don't go sleep with your ex and just break up with me if you feel like cheating" I just screwed everything up. Her attraction dropped off, she became colder and more distant.

I would mirror her text messages and told her I got annoyed by how long it took her to respond, she told me she was the only one who sent any messages, I always let her reach out.

(lesson 26- make sure texting is her doing 70% of the reaching out and you 30% remember that texting is for setting dates only! Don't play games either, the best rule of thumb is to busy yourself with your purpose and just message someone back if you have time, like you would anyone else)

She then deleted me off Facebook for a day, I asked her what happened, she said her ex was looking at her phone so she deleted my profile so he wouldn't find me.

(Lesson 27- date women who are single and don't have any exes they talk to often, even if it's a divorced husband who still sees her because of the kids)

She was seeing her ex and trying to rekindle something. She then got obsessed with the idea of threesomes and asked if I had a friend.

I asked him and we had it arranged, then I pulled out at the last minute. I thought that was it, turns out they went behind my back and they both betrayed me.

(Lesson 28- some people don't value loyalty or comittment, women who are like this will only stay loyal if nothing is going wrong, but if there is one problem they will cheat. Only go for women with integrity who value comittment if you want a relationship, girls who don't value this can be great fwb, just know that comittmenr with these women is off the table)

Inner strength and self belief is hard and it's slow shift, I went on 2 great dates this week with girls that are funnier and better looking than the SM. I have another date with a third girl next week.

(lesson 29- keep circulating, the more dates you have the more you will feel abundance that gets rid of desperation and enabled you to practice your skills and attract higher quality of women each time!

( lesson 30- Pickup, dating and relationships all require a mastery and a different mind set, it’s why Pickup guys struggle to hold relationships, because there are so many more factors to consider. The pay off for mastering relationships is true intimacy, it’s about two full people coming together to compliment and enrich an already full life, not to replace the missing part other feels they lack.)

Thanks to all of you for your inspiration and help, hope this can help some of the lads cut their learning curve.

Let me know your thoughts and ideas, also let me. Know how your journey of growth went and some valuable lessons you learnt!