Hi,

I'm 26M and looking to date but haven't had much luck these past years. Even before COVID hit there was a solid 1-2 years I didn't date at all. The truth is, I am terrified of being rejected. I don't think its the same terror as others though because mine is grounded in parental abuse (from my mother) for two decades.

I am afraid of approaching women, and asking for their number. The last girlfriend I had was in high school which was almost 10 years ago, I've had 1 or 2 flings in between but so far no luck with finding a girl. I don't think I'm a very awkward person, I can get into a conversation with someone just fine, and I know how to read the room.

These behaviors though were not natural to me however, as I learned them over the years from college and beyond. Due to my child abuse growing up, I grew up with a narcissist mother who instilled in me the wrong kind of behaviors which made everyone hate me as a child. Being constantly hated as a child gave me very little self-confidence and I had to climb out of that hole myself by reading self-help books, watching life coaches, etc. This may sound a bit creepy to you guys but I had no one to teach me these social skills. I had to learn them myself somehow. It was either be ignored, hated or to suck it up and try to make my life better.

Anyhow, because of my 20 years of constant abuse, I have depression, anxiety, and a ton of social anxiety. I can play it off and fake it and most people won't be able to tell that I'm nervous but it feels like my heart is beating out of my chest when I am meeting new people. Even so, I introduce myself and try to act assertive, the anxiety does not go away though. I take anti-depressants for my depression, otherwise I would not be able to get out of bed.

Fast forward after college, I moved out, I now have a good & prestigious job, I am not a bad looking dude (multiple men and women have told me who were not my family), but I lack self-confidence. And that is super important in dating. Women can smell my fear no matter how much I try to hide it and so I've been having not much luck with dating.

I feel like I can't take anymore rejection because my entire life it has always pointed towards the narrative that I am not good enough, and every new rejection I get just adds a bit more to that hopeless feeling. Call me a pussy if you will but when you've been called worthless by your parents for 20 years and almost daily, it is difficult to move forward.

I want to get over this fear, and want to hire a dating coach, just someone who could push me to do what it takes for me to get rid of this fear once in for all. The thought of just cold approaching on my own seems too daunting and terrifying of a task and I wish I had someone who could guide me. This inability to find love has been affecting my quality of life for the past 10 years, and made me feel worthless and like an incompetent man.

I don't know where to go, or how to start. Does anyone know where I would go finding a coach that would be able to help me get over this hurdle? And Thank you for anyone who replies. Thanks for caring enough to do so.