Things are going well with this girl I go to school with – we're not having sex or officially dating (yet), but we're spending increasing amounts of time together, and being increasingly affectionate. We're both really busy, so I am totally fine with the slow pace of things.

But I've been finding myself having this weird issue where I seem to have lost my normal level of self-assurance. Like, I can't easily look her in the eye and smile with a straight face. Which fucks everything up.

I thought about this for awhile tonight, and I feel like there are four reasons this could be happening.

  1. Me doubting my own value. This is a big part of it. Well, fuck that, I am awesome.

  2. Me doubting her value. This is also a big part of it. But it's ridiculous in this case; this girl is amazeballs. What underlies this feeling, I think, is that I'm coming from a value-seeking mindset (see #1). If you feel like you lack value, then you will seek it in other people, and if you really feel like you lack value, you will even doubt whether awesome people can provide sufficient value to fill the void. So the answer is similar to #1. Remember I'm awesome, and that I lack nothing. I therefore don't need anything from her (for example, I don't need her to be "perfect" in every way). And that I'm coming from a place of being able to give rather than needing to take value.

  3. Her doubting my value. I don't think this is actually going on. All signs point to her being into me. If I get #1 handled, it'll be easier to believe this.

  4. Her doubting her own value. She seems like she lacks self-confidence, and sometimes it makes me feel awkward. But why should it? If I fix #1, nothing should make me feel awkward. If I fix #2, then I won't "believe" her when she seems to doubt herself. Then it just becomes cute. I get to reassure her that she's awesome!

More broadly, I think #2 is the key to a much bigger issue I've had for years (see this old AskSeddit post).