I was out tonight. I went to the club and was alone. Just sat there. Two of my friends wrote me they'll be there but they never arrived. Instead other 2 friends arrived. One of them is pretty experienced, pulling and dating multiple girls. They tried to make me jump, dance, whatever. I was just stiff, eg. they were jumping so I was jumping with them for a few seconds and then I stopped. I just can't have fun in clubs, I'm that sad little hardcase who drains fun from people around him.

At one point I just felt like crying so I stood in the hallway and one of my friends saw this and took me outside. I yelled stupid thing with my hands up likea complete retard and actually I liked that. Then we came back into the club and stiff hardcase was back again.

Afrer we left the club I heard a few harsh words from experienced friend but I got feedback from both of them. He told me I'm a leech (Draining fun), they could be trying to pull and possibly succeed but they WASTED 1 hour trying to help me because I WASTED it. I told him how hard it is for me but he said words I shoul think about "you go out for 6 months, you have not improved at all. Just standing and feeling uncomfortable isn't going to disappear that one day you'll feel good. You have to DO something, something just outside your comfort zone which you can do. And then when you expand your comfort zone, do something else which is uncomfortable and so on. If you don't want to do something then go read a book or learn a language, don't waste time". I must admit I agree with his words... I got back home eve nthough I made decision to get back in the club...

Funny thing is that I suck at clubs but I can actually approach and talk during day... mabe not every situation and not the hottest but it's still way better than at night - sometimes I do things almost nobody does sober during day and have lots of fun. It's a magical barrier when I step through the door of any club - hardcase mode is on when I enter, and off when I leave. Actually I'm pretty anxious for a few hours or whole day when friday comes and I know I'm going out that night.

I'm scared of being judged, remembered negatively and beaten up (this doesn't happen though... very fucking rarely). I perceive people in the club as a threat, my friend (experienced one) told me that it's all in my look and people have to see and be repelled.

I feel I'm stuck. I know it's not true though. I want to improve and change my character (or specific traits) to be more of a fun guy and not giving a fuck in any club but just dancing is not possible for me - I mean my legs won't let me. Just rising my hand above my head or even above my hip is sooo uncomfortable, I feel (actually I imagine to be) judged and feel anxious about that. I can dance comfortably (maybe awkwardly but comfortably) when nobody looks so I know I'm able to do it physically.

I feel bad for wasting my time, my life, and my friends' time. I want to swear I will do something out of my comfort zone tomorrow night but at that point.... I'm pretty sure I won't. I lost hope. I stopped believing I deserve any cute women or I will break through my problems and get good.

At the same time I can't accept being just some hardcase who doesn't deserve anything. I know this could be liberating but I cant accept it....

I know it's a long rant without clear point but I treat it like some sort of journal.