I typed this for myself, to myself with the intention of deleting it immediately. But for some strange reason I thought there might be value in posting it here (at least in the "How not to be" kinda sense). Who knows... whatever.

...

...

I'm come to the realization that I'm lazy, and it still seems to not really have sunk in. On the one hand, a very logical argument can be made that I am indeed a lazy person. And on the other hand, I just can't seem to believe it. I've never thought of myself as lazy, but rather I am selective of where I exert effort.

Now that I think about it, however, I don't' exert a lot of effort on anything but escapes. I try hard when I play video games. I watch intently when I watch movies. Actually no, that's not even entirely true. I don't pick up on all the details when I watch films or TV shows. I know there are moments when I space out and miss things. I day dream. Even in video games, I've become soft. I'm a casual gamer. I don't play hard as I said I did. I play with cheats. I take the road of least resistance. Fuck.

So I don't try my best at video games. I watch more TV shows and movies than I feel OK about watching. I watch them as escapes, time killers. When I do things, schoolwork, chores, exercising, studying, I don't make myself proud. At all. I wait until the utmost final moment, and then I cram. I make terrible use of my time, procrastinating like it's going out of style, and then I put a tonne of stress on myself by imposing unrealistic goals. These are self-defeating tendancies. I'm fucking myself over. Why? Because I can, and I can get away with it.

The worst part about it is that I get away with it. I get the passing grade, or I get the Certificate, or I meet the deadline, but it's always just "good enough". And let's get one thing straight, sometimes good enough is indeed good enough, but I'm talking about total mediocrity, all-the-fucking-time. Like the expression, it's better to aim for the stars and reach the moon, than to shoot for the mud and make it. I've made it to the mud, plenty of times. And it's no good. And it does no good for my self-worth and self-esteem. Fuck.

I want so much. I see so much potential. I see so many possibilities. And my curse is that I believe I can have it. That's a curse because it makes me feel like shit, feeling that I'm capable of so much and yet, if this pattern is to continue, I would accomplish jack shit. And be honest, doing the bare minimum, just barely scratching by, that's fucking jack shit. I don't want to be happy if it means carrying on this way. I mean, I know it's good to be satisfied with yourself as you are, to accept yourself for who and what you are right now, but what the fuck? Will it ever improve?! Will I ever change?

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm not being nearly hard enough at all. I'm being too hard on myself because I know that in order to improve I need to first accept myself, who I am, what I am, how I act, etc. And then I can work at fixing it. But at the same time. I feel like that's what I've been doing and look at me now! How the fuck am I going to change? How the fuck and I'm going to wake myself up. I feel like I need to just shake myself and yell, "Wake up!" Jesus fucking Christ, just wake up man. This is not working. I don't feel like I'm being melodramatic. I feel like this shit has gone on for too long.

Get help man. If not from some freaking doctor, get help from yourself. It's in you. Everything you need is already inside you. But you gotta fucking listen to yourself man. Not the shitty, lazy, bastard that likes to blow time away watching random fucking YouTubes when you have a final exam the next day. No, I'm talking about the you that fucking is typing this shit, the you that talks to cute girls on occasion, the you that went out to the mall to chat up ladies, the you that gets out of your own head and in to the moment.

Pause. Think. What else can I say? What else can I do right now, to try and convince you/myself.... JESUS. FUCK. Something has to change. And I can see that sitting here and typing for a while longer is not going to bring about any great change. Something has to change though. Something god damn better well change.

I guess that this is my way of saying that... I am not pleased with my life situation. I'm not pleased with my lack of social skills. Lack of ability to woo a woman. My lack of drive to do with in my fucking academic career. My lack of drive to create electric music despite my recurring day dreams about becoming a producer. My lack of practicing to read piano music. My lack of commitment to my own body through exercising. My lack of conscience and deliberate choices to eat healthy and not to over eat.

Fuck everything about this.

I can do better. I know I can do better. I will do better. I have to.

tl;dr - probably better you don't read it anyways.. dark shit