The Missing Link in The Game

It’s a piece that differentiates those who fail at the game from those who succeed—even though both may be saying the exact same thing.

It’s a piece that will keep you from accidentally losing yourself in the effort to improve yourself.

When Neil Strauss started teaching workshops, he noticed that he could tell just by looking at a student whether or not he was going to get good reactions from women. And it had nothing to do with what he was wearing, what he looked like, or what he said. It was something intangible. A certain energy he gave off. That’s when he realized that everyone he’d met in the game, students and teachers alike, was overlooking something. But he didn’t realize what that something was until months later.

Here's what happened:-

Neil Strauss had a student who’d been studying seduction for years. He’s a sweet, good-hearted guy who knows every routine (even listens to them incessantly on his iPod) and goes out to meet women nearly every night. Yet he’s still a virgin.

So he decided to fly to Los Angeles for a one-on-one session. That dude wanted Neil to examine him and find his Achilles’ heel. And just like a good mentor Neil eventually found it, and it turned out to be such an epiphany that it changes the game of anyone who understands it.

The guy who fails at the game is the one who goes out looking for women to make him feel good about himself.

The guy who succeeds at the game is the one who goes out and makes other people feel good about themselves.

This first type of guy is someone no one wants to be around. He is needy, insecure, and reaction seeking. He will suck your energy dry in his quest for validation and approval.

This second type of guy is easy to be with. He radiates charisma and positive energy. Women enjoy his company, as do their friends, and they want him around all the time. They trust him, feel comfortable with him, and end up at his house at five o’clock in the morning wondering where all that time went.

Both guys do and say the exact same things, but they get very different reactions from women solely because of the intentions they’re communicating.

If you give a generic compliment to a woman who’s often hit on, she’ll usually ignore the remark—or probably assume you’re saying it because you want to sleep with her. So you tease her, demonstrate that you are unaffected by her beauty because you value personality, integrity, authenticity more than beauty. When you give her a chance to show her personality and some other traits that is often overlooked by other dudes, she will leave that night or the next morning feeling good about herself—like something special has happened and she’s connected with somebody who appreciates her for who she really is.

Let go of your need for approval and just make people feel good about themselves. Just go about your daily life. But three times during the day, go out of your way to make someone feel good about himself or herself. This might include telling a person who just blew a lot of money on a new outfit or haircut that it looks good; or giving a homeless person eye contact, smiling, and handing over five dollars; or asking someone in a rush if they’d like to cut ahead of you in a checkout line.

Be sure to look for what people need when you do this exercise. Don’t just give random compliments. And don’t be concerned with whether you’re raising or lowering your relative status. For example, if you see someone getting out of a new yellow Lamborghini with the dealer plates still on, instead of thinking he’s an asshole and a show-off, consider that he spent a lot of money because he wants your approval. So give it to him: “Hey man, cool car. I’m jealous.”

The goal is to stop worrying about what other people think of you, and start developing an instinct for what they need to feel good about themselves and their choices. You’ll be amazed by the results.

After spending the weekend in L.A. and discussing these ideas, the student with the former Achilles’ heel sent Neil Strauss the following email: “The other night, it was my twenty-sixth birthday. I was chatting up a four-set using the positive ideas we’d discussed, and one of them started groping me. Next thing you know, hardcore tongue-down makeout. First time ever!”

So get out of your head and start mastering the most intelligent and evolved emotion there is: empathy.