The psychology behind "one-itis"

bubuskus · 2013-02-28T14:58:17+00:00

Bro, you shouldnt need a scientific explanation to see that it isnt good to get to hung up on one girl. Abundance mentality.

IAmAPhoneBook · 2013-02-28T15:25:36+00:00

Well, my friend, "one-itis" isn't exactly in any academic journals. That said, it boils down to soup and sparks in the brain just like every other aspect of human behavior.

Now, research into oxytocin has demonstrated a link between the levels of the hormone in the brain and fidelity.

While I haven't seen any science literature regarding the role this compound plays in non-reciprocated attraction-- I suspect that there is a link between the two. But obviously the whole story is going to be far more nuanced and complicated than I just let on.

Of course, none of this particularly matters for you-- since you would be better off going and meeting new people. I know what it feels like, almost every guy does.

bluesunglasses2134 · 2013-03-02T04:23:34+00:00

Why?

Because you were raised believing that you had to find a woman to marry and die by her side an old age.

Even I get mini cases of one-itis from time to time.

It's very tough considering that most people in society are against you when it comes to this stuff.

People of both genders dislike the fact that you're not in a committed relationship. Sometimes, it gets to me..where I am like "I need a girlfriend" but then I think and I do the math and I say "wait a second! I am way happier this way"

Never let fear be the sole reason for wanting to date only one girl.

frogma · 2013-02-28T16:59:51+00:00

When you don't have many (or any) sources of emotional/mental/sexual output, you're gonna be more invested when you finally do find a source for it.

It's indirectly related to science, but I think psychology provides a better explanation for how/why it works that way. When parents neglect their kids, the kids usually grow up with various issues. They didn't get to experience the "motherly love" aspect that most people get, so it's something they tend to seek out later on. Same thing with father-son/father-daughter relationships (of course, this is all still related to science, but I'd consider it an indirect relationship).

Girls don't "suffer" from oneitis anywhere near as much as guys, because girls have various emotional outlets already, and because our culture dictates that guys are the ones who are supposed to approach -- since that's the case, girls (at least decent-looking/cool ones) tend to have suitors. The average guy doesn't really have "suitors" -- even if some girls like him, they're not likely to approach him or make any obvious moves.

There's plenty of other reasons, and other reasons directly related to biology/neurology (those factors influence our psychology either way), but those are the main things I can think of right now.

Basically, if you had more self-confidence, you'd be less likely to develop "oneitis." If you currently had 15 fuck-buddies/girlfriends, you'd be less likely to develop "oneitis." Hell, if you currently had a decent girlfriend, you'd be less likely to develop "oneitis" for some other girl. That's because you're not trying to get your validation from the girl herself. You've already got validation -- either from yourself, or from other people you're already involved with.

Self-validation is a difficult concept. Nobody in the world has infinite self-esteem. Everyone has insecurities, everyone has faults, etc. In fact, the people throughout history who had the most self-esteem were basically either narcissistic tyrants, or sociopaths. It's probably not good to be those guys, so a healthy dose of self-doubt/humility is good to have. Regardless, you need to learn to love yourself more, and try not to get your validation from outside influences if you can.

I had "oneitis" for a girl throughout 7th, 8th, and 9th grade -- I thought she was beautiful, she was really cool, and she was already a good friend of mine. I eventually told her how I felt about her, and she basically ignored it. I was depressed for a while. Then she moved halfway across the country. So I was even more depressed for a bit, but over time, I just stopped thinking about her. I was trying to get my validation from her, but once she disappeared, I eventually stopped doing that. Granted, I sought it out from another girl soon after, but I don't really do that nowadays.

Title	The psychology behind "one-itis"
Author	Remodified
Upvotes	0
Comments	4
Date	February 28, 2013 2:33 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/19ead7/the_psychology_behind_oneitis/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/the-psychology-behind-one-itis.1286605 https://theredarchive.com/post/1286605

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