I'm doing the Stylelife Challenge. Yes, in 2022. I'm just going to warn you that this field report doesn't end in anything crazy and it's rather mundane. I saw some other people document their journeys and I think it could do well to help me reflect and maybe get some pointers if I need them, so I'm gonna do the same. A bit of context. I'm 23 and a bit aspie, relatively living like a hermit since quarantine. If I'm not making myself socialize consistently I always fall back into crippling social anxiety. Every now and then I'll go out to a bar, and I think I do okay at talking with people, but I'm still incredibly anxious until I push myself out there. Even with normal everyday things like going to a store, I'm riddled with it. Back in middle and high school I did pretty well with women, especially for being a nerd that played videogames all day, but I always turned them down or refused to escalate at a certain point, actual sex, because I was "saving myself for the right girl". (I unironically chalk part of that success up to "HuniePop" having some PUA elements instilled into it, and other parts for being a slight natural. I actually did challenge myself in high school, during one of these intense social anxiety periods, to start a conversation with every girl I could and end it by asking for her number, it helped me a LOT). I did actually end up finding that right girl at that right time, and I'm glad that I did what I did. But now I'm here. I've always been more naturally polyamorous and very sexually minded, and now I'm looking to play catch-up. Recently I read "The Game" by Neil Strauss and loved it. I dove head first into pickup artist material, some from the coaches in the book and some modern stuff from YouTube. It's all incredibly fascinating, and with as much non-psychopathic energy as I can muster, the game-like elements are actually really fun. I can recognize some of the things I had done previously that worked and many new ideas and structures that I'd never considered. What have I been doing? Staying inside and putting none of it into action. My social anxiety is again at a high point. Using this challenge as an external motivator could help a lot to actually get my ass out there, plus I absolutely loved "The Game", so why not try Style's own method of teaching? I love a good challenge, a good game, and a good lesson plan. Mystery's 4 hours a night, 4 hours a week recommendation, from his book that I read before this one, sounds awesomely grindy but very intimidating. This seems like the right move for now.

Field Report:
The book says not to read ahead so I don't plan on it. It's exciting not knowing what comes next. I started Day 1. I had read the assignment before but it had been too late to actually do the challenge. I knew today would be the day. I already had a dentist appointment and I knew that regardless I could make this a day of errands and easily get this challenge fulfilled. I mentioned something about having "just woken up so I'm not fully there yet" to the assistant with no real response. Nothing fancy, but I figured it counted as one. I was anxious. I went home, did the writing prompts and read the supplement to the field assignment then had lunch. I realized that due to the intense heat we've had here all summer that "How about this weather?" was perfect. Lunch over, so I headed back out to get the prescription filled. Still anxious. There were easily a few chances for small talk there but I didn't pull the trigger. Felt a little bad about it, but I trudged onward. Next was Target. I got the notebook came to buy and kept walking around the store. I was feeling waves of confidence followed by anxiousness. I walked past an aisle and an old man yelled out "Hey! Do you work here?", I said no and started to walk away but then a light bulb went off in my head and I added "Sorry, good luck finding someone to help you!". No response. I walked around a bit more, feeling the anxiety heavier and heavier and with it the urge to leave. I was stood in line next to a cute girl at check out but didn't say anything. No more small talk. I just checked out and left. The cashier would've been easy. Something about the people in line behind me made it so much harder. There were many chances there and I didn't take any of them. I let the anxiety grab hold of me.

Oh well, I kept it up and went to a card shop, noticed that it was ten minutes before opening but there was a guy behind the counter. I went ahead and tried to open the door. It was locked and he barely flinched so I headed back to the car to wait, but now I had an easy opener. I waited until he officially opened the store and walked in, saying something along the lines of "Guess I was a little too early!", he just took it as if I didn't know when they opened, which is understandable. He seemed more socially awkward than me, not that I hold it against him. I could've carried the conversation we had about what formats they hosted but I just bought something and left. Even just a little anxiety made me want to get it over with. I had some stuff to do at home so I went back there for a while. Finished that up, ordered dinner and thanked the delivery driver for working in this crazy heat, he responded pleasantly with "Yeah it's tough but at least it's not an office job!", we did the thanks/have a good day/you too routine. Finished dinner and took a shower. I'm at 4. It's getting late but I need to do one more little piece of small talk. A lot of places are starting to close, I hurry to BestBuy and get a guy to help me find the "what-I-thought-was-obscure-but-was-actually-the-same-as-a-printer-cable" cable that I needed and checked out. There was a girl at the register and she was kinda cute. "How about this weather?" worked perfectly. We had a short little conversation about it, laughed, and I left. Now I'm at home typing this post up.

What I've Learned:
I can't make every time I go out drain my wallet. Point blank. My need for there to be some "reason" to justify socializing is both unsustainable and not the right mindset. Even if someone was to respond negatively, I don't think I would care that much, I'm just scared to make the first move. And it feels much worse to know that I wanted to say something but didn't out of fear. The non-responses are fine and the good responses are great. Just having a short little conversation can make what would otherwise be a purely transaction-based interaction, or nothing at all, a little more life affirming. In other words, I have nothing to worry about. I don't need to justify starting a conversation. I feel more confident even though I know anxiety is just around the corner, waiting to peer it's ugly head at me again. I can do this. I'm excited for Day 2.