OK, it'll be long, but 20 years is a long time...

After being very unhappy, and going to several different counselors for years, I said I didn't want to 'work on it' any more. I moved out, got an apartment, etc.

The first 10-12 years were great, then she had an affair with a coworker and severe depression. We separated for almost two years that time, she lived with him briefly after a suicide attempt. She was also diagnosed as BPD and could be verbally abusive to me especially when she drank which was often.

I got a job and moved to another town and said "If you want to be with me, I'll be here." I felt this guy had taken advantage of her depression/condition etc. and he left her pretty quickly. She came after a year. So almost three years separated the last time and I waited. We visited frequently.

I loved (and still do) her, and felt I had/have taken great care of her for 20 years. I make about 20% more than she, and paid slightly more of the bills. We lost the house to short sale after the affair. I was by her side during depression, after the affair, after several therapists, after major surgery. I always felt I was 'all in' and she was always 'on the fence'. I'm pretty sure she couldn't/wouldn't have been able to be there for me in the past or future.

The apartment wasn't good enough, our lifestyle was not what she expected, we didn't agree on how to invest in our future she didn't support my music (I've been writing/playing for decades and it is my life). She is very controlling and I rarely got to pick out movies, weekend activities, restaurants, vacation destinations b/c I was always trying to please her. The funny thing is, NOTHING made her happy. She has a very negative outlook on everything and can only find joy in small bursts. I was in therapy for years myself, trying to figure out how to deal with her ups and downs, severe depression, drinking (I drink a bit too, but not daily or hard alcohol), and BPD.

She'd said last August (during an episode) "I'm tired of faking it, and not into it anymore," and that hit pretty hard. We even talked then about getting separate apartments (which would've been very expensive).

Around last February, I got in touch with an old ex from 25 years ago (my first real love), about an outstanding issue we'd both wanted to resolve. We started talking, and she was also in a very unhappy relationship. The more we talked, the more we realized how much we had in common and that we were both happy, optimistic people with dreams and a 'lighter' take on life in general. We started talking a LOT and I left my house in April (last year). I'm fully pursuing this relationship and being totally honest about my marriage and its ending. Without making promises I can't keep (moving back to my hometown thousands of miles away).

My STBX has never once, said, "don't do this", "let's try again", "I love you" -- only "how am I going to make it" (financially), and "I thought we were a team?"

My heart breaks for her b/c she doesn't have any friends, is going through a long deep depression now, and is very lonely. We are civil and I try to do errands, help financially when I can, and we're getting a legal separation so the bills I'm incurring from a new music project won't jeopardize her future if I 'kick it' unexpectedly.

I feel so guilty sometimes I just wanna curl up and die. My identity was wrapped up in taking care of her, and even the happiness I've found with my old flame is clouded by missing the 'routine' and predictability of 20+ years of marriage -- even the miserable parts.

I feel like I'm taking a step in a better direction for ME, but feel selfish and on top of that I love her entire family (and they me). I wish we could (all) stay friends and I could still be there for her (within reason). Even though I'm much happier, creative, in many respects, I still suffer from crushing guilt for my STBX and her family. Now that I'm not around, they worry who will take care of her if things get bad -- they have to be there for her now. They always said "you are a saint, and we don't know how you do it." Yes. She could be that difficult.

Just don't know why I'm still feeling so guilty - and missing certain things and have some fond memories still.

Just wanted to vent, get advice or hear similar stories. FWIW, I'm a transguy and I don't think that had anything to do with her being unhappy though she'd been exclusively with guys prior.

TL;DR Married 20+ years to someone who was negative and sometimes unstable (BPD). She had an affair and we tried again for almost 7 years afterwards. Didn't work. We went to several counselors and things always seemed 'on the edge'. I'm somewhat passive, eager to please, and didn't look out for myself. Long-time EX from 25 years ago came back into my life (after we separated) and is happy, loving, giving, optimistic and adores me. I still feel very guilty, but I don't think I did anything wrong after trying super hard.