I've (29F pickmeisha) been lurking on here for a while because I'm finally realizing I need to get out of my long term live-in relationship with my (36M) boyfriend. I've seen people offer the advice "make an exit strategy", perhaps I'm being dense but I'm not really sure where to begin.

A little background. We're currently living in my father's property. He moved to a different state with his wife when he got a new job and let me live here while I finished college in the same city. With his permission I've been renting out the bottom half of the house to pay for the utility bills, I rent for the college year so I currently have a tenant until May.

I met my boyfriend in college. He's been helping me with academic stuff, making connections etc. I really owe him for that. He was living in a crappy apartment with damp and pests so I moved him in after a few months of dating and to help replace the abusive tenants I had at the time. He seemed to me like a HVM at the time, buying me expensive wine and cooking me dinners, easy conversation, great sex with actual orgasms. It was a gamble I lost. I had spoken to him before about how anti-porn I was and he had agreed up and down with me. I went into his bedroom one night when he was backing up his computer to a hard drive and there were literally hundreds of porn videos which I could tell from the file name. I confronted him about it immediately. Probably a bad idea because we had both been drinking. He blew his lid and started slinging verbal abuse at me and yelling, I ended up just walking away to his bedroom and lying down, he came in and turned the lights on and yanked the covers off me to continue our fight/his tirade and I ended up driving home at 2am. Then we acted like nothing happened and continued as normal. This has happened 4 or 5 times since he moved in over the last 3 years, always when he was drinking, and ended up with me sleeping in my car or locking the bedroom door and him stomping around and watching the TV on a really high volume so I couldn't sleep.

I didn't grow up in the US. I come from a predominantly Catholic country in Europe (big families) and so I have a large support network of women/aunties in my family back home. I came to the US for college. I have now graduated and am currently applying for graduate programs which I will hopefully be starting Fall 2020. I've applied to colleges back home but I keep getting told again and again the programs in the US are better and I should stay. But I feel alone and isolated and I want to go home. Here, I only have my boyfriend, who is not good at offering emotional support, and some casual work friends.

My boyfriend has become settled in this house. He has a lot of furniture. My dad visited to check on the house and my boyfriend mentioned he would be interested in buying the house. So now they've gotten the ball rolling on "us" buying the house together without either of the men really listening to me telling them what I want. That I don't want to buy a house because I'm going to grad school next year and I don't want to live in this city any more. My dad is making plans to hand over the mortgage payments to us and my boyfriend thinks it's too good a deal to pass up. I only have a part time job right now and am struggling to make ends meet as it is so I don't know how I will pay for a mortgage.

Aside from all this, I dont want to live with my boyfriend any more. We haven't had sex for 2 years and before that time, which was woefully short/I didnt come/he literally apologised for, it was 8 months. Any time I try to bring up how unhappy I am to have a partner that doesn't want me he just turns it round on me, that I'm not trying hard enough. My self-esteem is on the floor and if I mention feeling bad about myself he gets mad at me "you sound fucking crazy right now" "when are you going to be done with this shit". The one time I brought it up when we were in bed and he was half asleep he said "it's my thing, not yours. It's not your fault". Considering the amount of porn I saw in his old place, I think he is addicted to porn. He has an addictive personality and while he doesn't get drunk every day, he does drink every day and it's a strain on our finances.

I've gotten myself into a big complicated mess. I'm not sure how to leave him. There will be a big fallout to matter what I do and I can envision him becoming verbally abusive and deliberately making it as hard as possible for me to leave. I'm also very emotionally attached to him because I've lived with him for so long and don't know where to start dealing with that. I've been exploring radical feminism and read some quote "learn to unlove your stuff" or something so I've been giving away clothes and books etc under the guise of decluttering and sending the important things back home to my mother. I just really need to get out but I'm very emotionally and financially invested in this man and I'm overwhelmed with the enormity of my task.

I'm at a loss. Any help would be really greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my long winded story.

EDIT: clarifications