Some healing point from my journey that have helped me that might help you.

I just wanted to share some healing points that have helped me on this path. I am not whole yet or anywhere close but for those who are looking to start here are some things I have done that maybe will resonate with you.

​

  1. Return to back to basics - I was maybe 18/19 before I got my first heartbreak and it was a downward spiral from there. Yearssss passed and life moved on until I started to heal. For me going back to music, hobbies, movies and activities I loved before that time helped a lot. In that moment where I was listening to that song, or watching that movie I remembered who I was before my world began to spin, what dreams I had, what I actually liked (not what I pretended or tried to like to fit in). It helped me find pieces of myself again because for a long time I didnt recognize myself.
  2. I reduced pain p*rn - When you realize how much you have been through, you are filled with a lot of mixed emotions. Mine were rage, shame and regret. Learning all the ways people manipulate you, realizing what X whom you thought was so lovely was actually doing to you, learning all about times you laughed at a "neg" unbeknownst to you that you were the butt of the joke... it will do it to you. Its crazy each day you remember something new and get upset all over again. Also just realizing that someone else understands and has been there, is just so amazing. When the wool fell from my eyes I was amazed, I spent days on FDS and other sites, watching narc youtube videos, reading comments, fighting with NVM online etc. However after a while I had to pull back. I was educating myself but after a while I was addicted to the pain. The pain of reliving a past I can no do nothing about. By reading narc stories and even debating with NVM that invade the comment section of any helpful dating video/article, I was just making it worse. I would feel more frustrated with my life and while the people were gone from my physical life I had found more virtually. So i cleared my youtube history blocked some sites. I even reduce my time here too only because some stories here are triggering. I now know what is wrong, what went wrong, and what are the signs. I decided to focus on rebuilding not rehashing. If I need a reminder I now know where to get resources. Shout out to the FDS handbook.
  3. I unplugged - Social media leaves much to be desired. It's where so many undesirable people thrive because they create an echo chamber for their misguided values. It's one thing to see a crazy idea being peddled out there it's another thing to see thousands of people agreeing and co-signing it. It really makes you lose hope in everything. Furthermore that comparison thing is hard. I was in so much pain and everyone else seemed so happy. Whilst my brain knows its not true, my feelings didn't get the memo. I don't want to look at someone with envy or jealousy and so i deleted socials from my phone. I don't know for how long but for now they are gone. The world that exists to me currently is that which is in my circle of influence. I am faced with myself.
  4. I made my anger expensive - I don't get outraged anymore. I take action where I can. If someone is being attacked I will personally reach to them (privately and give support). I donate to a cause to support and if someone personally attacks me I don't engage. Family is my hardest one with this, I went home for Christmas intending to stay for 2 weeks, things didn't go according to plan and so I left a week early. I was cordial, but I knew what my limit was and I stayed within it. When a man negs or even insults me, I politely excuse myself. I learnt engagement / an audience is what a fool wants, I refuse to oblige. If a date does not go according to plan or is changed last minute, I just cancel and stay home. I refuse to explain, highlight, elaborate - its a waste of time to someone committed to misunderstanding you.
  5. I became celibate - for me celibacy was my dawn of clarity. Its unexplainable because I didn't think this would happen for me. I recommend anyone to try it especially if you are a woman like me who started having sex out of obligation (thats what men need) versus out of your own desire. It also has the unintended consequence of weeding out men just for sex especially the "good guys". They are all " Im the guy" until they realize sex is off the the table and then its "I hope you find what you are looking for".
  6. Changed course - I have always desired a family. I still do. But I was waiting, waiting for the guy to come and start life. I always wanted to build together like you know find the guy in university, study together, graduate get out first jobs and then get married then have kids. I would know him, him me and we would have gone through life's trials together. Marrying my best friend. I wanted a simple life but yea its not that simple. Well that dream is gone now and I was so unsure whats next, well Im doing a post grad certificate program and I am hoping to move provinces to start again once my lease is up. This is huge as I will be doing it alone. I really would like to be a proper student again and do an MBA/JD. I also hope to buy my first property in two years. I have no money for either of this but I am just speaking out my wishes. The point is I'm planning my life without a him. I do hope to marry the right person etc etc but I truly desire a financially stable, educated, successful and healthy (mentally and physically) me more.

Things Im still working on -

Self -forgiveness for what I allowed,

Bad habits I picked up dues to depression (procrastination, lack of boundaries, overeating),

Trusting myself again - I have 10 years of mistakes under my belt, I lost complete faith in myself, I was very self assured making these mistakes so now I struggle with not doubting that anytime I can slip and make another life changing mistake. Getting that self confidence back has been an uphill battle.

Running - I love it but hard to make time for working full time and school concurrently. Im working the courage to run at 5 am in the dark

Depression and anxiety - some days are good some are bad.

If you made it to the end thanks for reading and if anyone who would like to share their healing tips that aren't the traditional therapy (which I recommend btw its just not accessible to all ). I would love to hear them below. I wish you ladies the very best and all the desires of your heart.